Putting it into perspective

As I've been chronicling the last year that I've actually really been on this blog, one of the things I've been down on myself a lot about is my performance at the box. Everyone seems to be much stronger than I am, and my judgmental and competitive sides get to me quite a bit and I'm all like "how can she be lifting more than me?"

While I was being a mopey, whiney, depressed brat this morning, I got to thinking about what I can do, and I put it into perspective.

Yes, it's true I started CrossFit in July of 2012. But then I got pregnant in October of 2012. So I had 4 months of CF to establish some sort of base before I got pregnant. And while I was pregnant, I was just trying to stay fit. There were no gains except one PR on a split jerk from the bar early on.

So I sort of went back in September of 2013. I was still recovering from a c-section, so mostly I was relearning technique to accommodate the new boobs and the lack of belly. Then I was out again for the spider bit and then not able to really train because of the elimination diet and the severe lack of calories. I was just too weak. Then came Christmas, more sick baby, the flu, emergency rooms, no sleep, etc. So life with a sick kid during the wintertime when others get sick, too.

I will say then that my true return and real start of training began with this year's Open.

The stuff that I did with the Open, the base that I had, had all been the base I had before I got pregnant. I worked backed up to that base within a few months of my off and on return, but was never able to really get past it. But since February, this is what I've done:

• Increased my clean and jerk by a whopping 35#
• Increased my overhead squat by 20#
• Got kipping pull-ups
• Went from 1 rep at a time on deadlifts at 155 to 5 TNG DLs at 155, for multiple sets
• PR'd my back squat, twice (not by much, but hey, it's something)
• Increased my front squat by 20 some odd pounds
• PR'd my strict press by 5#
• Three months ago I didn't get through 50 squats of mini-Murph in the 30 minute time cap; yesterday I finished it with a minute to spare. 
• My working sets now for cleans are around 80#. Before like March, I had only gotten up 80# once in my life in a powerclean, and it wasn't really a clean, more like a reverse curl.

That's a lot, IMHO, in six months of work. And I think about what I came in with in February and have done, if I put it into perspective, the people who lift that or more have been working on those lifts for 18-24 months (most of them). If I can stay healthy and train consistently between now the first of the year, I may be able to catch up with some of these women. 

Putting it into perspective really helps me not be so down on myself. 

Epic Fail

Last night was.

My plan not to go whole hog because I recommit to a Whole30 today did not happen.

Perhaps I should not think of it as an "epic fail." My mom had mentioned concretes (custard mixed with stuff) earlier yesterday. And by last night it sounded good. And it was. I enjoyed it. We decided against having wine just to have wine though. And dinner wasn't totally unhealthy--the worst part of it was the teriyaki sauce, which I need to find a soy free recipe (though most are made with honey also, so it won't be Whole30 approved).

I enjoyed that concrete. It was just enough. But I'm done.

I was thinking last night, you know if right now I can't seem to get myself together for myself, then if I need the extra motivation, I need to do it for my daughter. I don't want to be one of those parents who's so wiped out after a day of work that when I pick her up from daycare I'm too tired to really enjoy my time with her. I don't want the weekends to be about recovering from the week and sitting in front of the t.v. Before summer started, oddly, I was headed in the right direction. After a summer of bad choices, I'm paying for it mentally and physically. And I said this all last spring, I need to go beyond just the 30 days. I need to figure out how to make this my lifestyle rather than a series of challenges. I don't want my daughter to see that either! That's about as bad as dieting; it's just semantics.

I know I learn a little bit more every time. And for me, that's what's important right now.

I'll get a good work out in today. I'll go grocery shopping. And we'll go from there.

Recommitting

I think I'm in a bit of a rut.

My training and eating had gone really really well in the beginning of the summer, and then the summer job started, and kaput. I missed a lot of training and my food choices weren't the greatest. I'm thankful for this summer job. It's the most money I've ever made as an academic over the summer, and the first summer since, oh, I don't know, undergrad, that I've not been stressed out about summer finances. (which reminds me, I need to pay bills today, oh, and order checks. Order checks, I know, right?).

I have gained about 13 pounds, as of this morning, this summer. Yikes. That's not cool at all. I've come a long way with my body image issues, but lately, not so much. I do not like the way I look. I also do not like the way I feel, and a lot of that is food related.

One thing that I've learned through the multiple Whole30s that I've done is while I don't have any actual food allergies (except lactose intolerance) or real sensitivities per se, I do notice how certain foods affect me not only physically (I mean, yeah, most people really do feel bloated and gross after pizza or cake, as do I), but also emotionally/mentally. What I've noticed about the accumulation of gluten in my system is how depressed I get. I cut out gluten, and I am not depressed. I handle stress better. I don't break down into tears as often. And I find that PMS is almost non-existent. So maybe, in actuality, that is a sensitivity. It affects my work, my training, my overall well-being.

So why do I struggle with this? Why don't I just cut it out?

Because I'm human. Because it takes me a while to get things. Because sometimes I just punish myself. 

Today is a day full of change--Boudreaux leaves for Germany for three weeks; Magpie starts daycare today. I had thought about recommitting to the training and Whole30 today, but I will give myself today. But it won't be an "eat whatever I want for tomorrow we Whole30" day--I had chips and salsa with lunch and some refried beans, spanish rice, and a small amount of cheese. But I wanted fajitas for lunch and made the decision to enjoy all of it. I'm at a point where I'm frustrated with myself and my training, so today is a "half day" of Whole30 eating. 

As we head into fall and into back to school, I need to get myself squared away on all fronts. I need to get the gluten out of my system so I'm not depressed so I can get work done rather than mope. I need to get rid of the 13 pounds that I managed to gain (that was totally unexpected, for realz), and get back to feeling good about myself. When I feel good, that's when I'm productive. And that's really what I need to be. Productivity reduces my stress level which means I'm more present with the Magpie and less stressed around her. 

So that's it for now. We'll see how this goes. I also really want to start adding some yoga, too. I think that would really really help me a lot. I'll try that Monday. 

That's it for today. Have a great one!

I'd like to try to rethink this space. It started out as a way for me to blog about delving into Paleo, into CrossFit, into trying to be the best person I can be.

Lately it's been empty or a series of Whole30s.

I love Whole30s though. I'm currently trying to find the balance between almost always eating Whole30 and not driving myself mad. But I feel so good on the Whole30. But sometimes, I just want wine and paleo cake.

But one of the things that I've been thinking about lately is my daughter. She starts daycare tomorrow. I am having anxiety about this for various reasons. The school though is on the federal food program. This causing me anxiety, too. The only real "benefit" to her having severe, documented food sensitivities is that I got to get a note from her pediatrician stating that I need to bring her food and that she cannot eat what the school provides because it will make her sick.

As far as food goes, their menu looks better than most elementary schools. But just about every meal, including snacks, is bread and cheese. Now, I am impressed with the amount of fruit and the variety and amount of veggies that they require. But for example, breakfast one day is milk, biscuit, pear. That's it. The only protein is milk. I understand that more than most kids get. But for this baby, she can't have dairy or soy. Snack time? Milk and cookies. No. Now, not all of the meals are that bad, but still. I feel fortunate that I am able to have some control over what she eats. She eats good, too. Eggplant, lamb, beef, turkey, chicken, spinach, butternut squash, zucchini, sweet potatoes, pear, mango, asparagus, green peas, green beans, blueberry, peaches, carrots, cauliflower, avocado, banana. She likes raw garlic even!

So maybe one of the things I need to think about here in the scope of this blog is to talk about being an academic, a mom, and someone committed to trying to raise a daughter to live as healthy as she can in this world that bombards her with unrealistic images of women and shit choices for food. And I really try, even though she's only one, to watch how I talk about myself or my body in front of her.

Perhaps that's what this will become--what it means to be a "paleo" or "primal" parent? I'm not sure what that means, but maybe this will help me figure it out.

Whole30 Day35

Still plugging away here on the Whole30. It's past the 30 days, but last week and this coming week the box is have a PR partner challenge, and one month's membership is at stake. So I'm staying on the Whole30 until it's over on Friday. Here's why:

20 PRs in 34 days.

That's a lot of PRs.

Now, it's not like it's anything major. 5# to a lift here and there, but as I've been really struggling since having the baby 10 months ago now! (wow!), I need this. And I've actually gotten almost three (I think) really solid months of training in. It might be only two (I have to check my book which isn't near me), but I've been able to do a lot since the Open I feel like. And most of the time I'm feeling better. I certainly feel better in the gym since I'm not eating crap.

I did do my weight and measurements on Day 31 though. 4 pounds down, 9 inches lost, about a dress size down, lots of improvements in strength. A bit disappointed in the weight loss aspect, and I really was hoping to have gotten closer to my pre-pregnancy size, but for me, clearly, this is a very very slow process. I am at least getting stronger and gaining some muscle here, too. So I have to accept that I'm making progress and not get too down on myself about it. Considering where I was a month ago, I've made some big gains/losses I think.

A couple of things though. I don't think I'm getting enough food/calories. The first two weeks I was feeling great, but the last week and a half or so, not so much. I'm getting enough sleep and despite the number of PRs I put up, I am actually taking some solid rest days (sometimes three a week), so I'm not overworking at the gym. I'm not a huge fan of logging my food, especially since I'm eating clean, but I think I need to to see if I'm getting enough energy in.

According to the Eat To Perform calculator, I should be taking in about 400 more calories than I am, and if yesterday's log is typical, then I am fine on the fats but low on the protein and carbs lately. So, for the next week, I am going to work on adjusting these things and see how I feel because I'm getting cranky and bitchy lately, and it's got to be some dehydration, lack of calories, or both.

I'm starting the Whole Life Challenge on Saturday, too, with my sister (it's really for her). And rather than continue hard core as I have been, I am going to allow myself a treat here and there when I want (but no more than once a week), and see how I feel and function on a maybe 90/10 Paleo scheme here. I think I got about another week of the Whole30 in me, and I'm motivated mainly by wanting to win the PR challenge, and I don't want diet to be the thing that boots me out of the competition, so I will carry on, and save my treat for Friday night. But we'll see how adding calories and carbs and protein goes this week. I don't want to follow the ETP plan because the reviews had a lot of people say they got soft and fat, strong, but soft and fat, and that's the opposite of what I want. But I have been suspicious over the last week and a half that I've not been eating enough lately for the amount of energy I'm expending in the gym and just in life in general, and I think that's why I'm not able to get the work done that I need to like I was.

Whole30, up to Day 16

So we're on Day 16 now. Made it past the Day 10/11 mark, which was about when I really just wanted some chocolate. I don't know why. I think because it was the end of the week for me, and I was just tired. But then I hit a PR at the box on Friday, and I was sooooo glad for the Whole30. I'm really starting to notice a difference in how I feel, especially during my workouts. I'm feeling a bit better in the afternoons, too. I feel like I'm a bit more focused and more easily able to get through my class prep. And I feel like most nights, if the temp is the house is comfortable enough, I'm sleeping better, and when I get sleep, I'm not waking up exhausted or stressed.

The biggest difference though has been in the box and with my clothes. Jeans that fit but were just a tad uncomfortable (but wearable) even just a week ago are fitting better already. I didn't have to hold my stomach in Friday or Monday to get them on, and they were fine to sit in for extended periods without my having to undo the top button. And some of my shirts are fitting better across the bust, some not quite there yet, but getting there. And at CF, man, right now, I am feeling good! I'm still disappointed in how bad/weak my deadlifts still are post-baby; pregnancy really messed up the deadlift. But, I got my best ever (barely though, but still) back squat and strict press yesterday. Used a significantly smaller band today for the pull up and improved in the push ups, sit ups, and air squats from December. I've finally been able to get a good solid nearly 8 weeks of training under my belt, and really just within the last week have I started to actually feel strong, and I contribute as much of that to the Whole30 as I do to consistent training.

Since I am making great gains here and knowing that I still won't have achieved my goal of pre-baby size by the end of the Whole30, I am continuing on to the Whole Life Challenge that starts May 3rd. It's 60 days and more flexible than the Whole30 (the goals are different), and I think because of my stress level and given how easily I backslid 6 weeks ago, I think I need just a little bit more accountability before I take the training wheels off again. And part of why I'm doing it is because my sister needs to do it, so I started a team for us. We established a prize for the winner. I hope she does well at it.

Really what it's taken this time around is for me to see improvement in my workouts and for me to go down a dress size/half a dress size and to see my bigger sized clothes fitting really, really loosely. The effects of the Whole30 are really kicking in this time, and again, that big difference has been the elimination of Spark and butter. Such a little change that really does show that you have to comply to really feel the difference. I'm just really positive about my performance in the box right now. And I'm glad that we're doing "testing" this week because I haven't gotten maxes in a long, long, long time, so I don't know what I'm capable of right now, and to know that is going to help me get stronger. Anyway, yay for the Whole30 and yay for the next challenge so that by the time summer is in full swing, I may have finally re-established good food habits and be closer to getting my writing and research done. Here's to a successful second half the quarter, second half of testing week, and second half of the Whole30. 

Whole30, Days 9-10

Yesterday I felt pretty good. I was pretty cranky by the end of the day, and last night really was the first night that I wanted chocolate. Actually, it was the first time I had even thought about chocolate since this Whole30 started. But as today is Day 10, that seems about right.

After the energy burst on Monday, and the magic of Day 8 kicking in, the week is starting to take its toll. I didn't sleep particularly well last night, and since this is our de-load week and rest week, I thought I'd take the morning off and use it to read since I have to go out Saturday morning and buy a ball gown for Boudreaux's military banquet next week, so I'm going to lose part of my weekend there. It was worth it. I got a lot read this morning in a short time.

What I've noticed lately is that writing begets writing. So as I've been blogging this week, I've also been working on my article. And as I've been working on my article, I feel more and more like blogging. This tells me that I need to spend more of my life writing. It's clearly the thing that I love to do when I'm doing it. I wish writing were my profession. I don't know how to make it so.

Anyway, this week I'm going to attempt to clarify some butter so that I don't have to keep spending lots of money on ghee. I want to try to make my own. And perhaps in the next two weeks I'll attempt some homebrew kombucha. That'll save me lots of money too actually.

Things seem to be going well this week. We're behind on the food prep. Our Sunday got thrown off, but we'll get back on track this weekend.

I am way more pleased this time around than last time. It is going way better than I thought it would, and I wish I would have been better about this two months ago. But, the universe clearly wants me to be doing this now, and I clearly need to be doing this right now, so it's all good. Last time I still had some serious cravings. Lately though, the thought of something like pizza does nothing for me but make my stomach turn. So, I don't think about it. I am far more satisfied with what we're cooking at home than I am with what we could get for take out.

Now I must go work on that article, eat, read, and grade. I've got two hours to get a little bit of everything in. I think it'll do.

Whole30, Day 8

I woke up a little bit tired and sluggish yesterday, but by the time I got to CF, woah. The magic of the Whole30 like kicked in yesterday morning. I beat my husband on the run (never happened before), and I actually got work, that is writing, done toward my conference paper/article. I got some more reading done. I got some of Swee'Pea's food made. Then went off to teach the grad class last night. I was  still a bit awake when I went to bed, and it did take me a little bit to fall asleep, but I slept soundly the whole night. I woke up before I really wanted to, but it was only 15 minutes before the alarm.

Since we're "de-loading" this week in CF and doing our "testing" next week, I'm pleased that this coincides with week 2 of the Whole30. I'll get two full weeks of clean eating and some rest before I start looking for some one rep maxes, which I haven't done since Nov. of 2012. The other testing week I was able to do I think I made two of the days--they seem to fall when I've been sick, recovering, or something else. So I'm really looking forward to next week because I will have gotten two solid months of training under my belt and will have a good baseline even if it's not what I was able to do right when I got pregnant. I really don't know what I can do. And I want to get my 1RM so that way I can train smarter and let's face it, better.

I think I've already started to lose some inches. I've been able to wear, in public, some jeans that I bought back in October that were very close to fitting and if I would have been able to train and not gotten bit by the brown recluse and gotten surgery, would have been able to wear by the end of the Whole Life Challenge. So I've had these nice jeans that have been in my closet, past the return date, that I've been so close to getting in to. And now I can wear them. So I'm one step closer to pre-baby size. My larger workout clothes are fitting me better now, too, as in they are getting loser. I'm really a medium right now, but all I have are small and large, so I have to make do. The smaller ones are fitting better and will work when I have to wear them.

In short, I'm really feeling all the things I didn't feel two months ago, and it has to be cutting out the Spark and the butter. Like I said, those are the two big changes this time around, so I really am Whole30ing it this time. I mean, I felt incredible during and after the work out yesterday. Even the husband said, "Wow. What got into you? You were flying!" And I didn't even feel like I was. I just felt like I was going at a good steady pace. Everybody else was resting and breathing heavy, and I was just plugging along. We'll see if that keeps happening, but it felt good to feel good.

Now I must make my lunch before I head to the box. Have a good day y'all!

Whole30 Days 3-7 & More thoughts on the CF Open

I've made it through my first week.

The two things that I've done differently this time, cutting out the Spark and switching from butter to ghee*, have made a dramatic difference in how I feel this week versus how I felt that first week two months ago. Just a tiny little change like that, and wow. I was not expecting that much of a difference.

My sugar cravings? Pretty much gone at this point. I did want some king cake last night that's still hanging out in my freezer, but that was more out of habit than real want. For the last four weeks that had been my weekend treat. I didn't even think about it until last night, and I think that's because I wanted more dinner. And I have noticed a difference that I can't quite explain in cutting out the butter. I don't know what the difference is, but I feel a difference.

I also noticed a difference in how I've felt during my workouts this week, too. I mean, I was exhausted. I knew that going into last week that I'd be tired. By Wednesday I had felt like someone pulled my plug, and I was super cranky. (Good thing I only have office hours on Wednesdays!). On Thursday I didn't want to work out either, but I went and took it easy just in case 14.5 involved something that I couldn't do and I didn't want to have three days in a row with hardly a work out or none at all. So I took it easy. And 14.5 just knocked me out! Yesterday I was moving in slow motion for most of the day.

Saturday we did something that we haven't done since Swee'Pea was born--we all went downtown and just walked around. Boudreaux, Baby, Mom, and I all went to lunch then we just went out and enjoyed the day. It was a gorgeous day. It was so wonderful to just do something outside and relaxing. I got my hair done. I took an entire day off of work. It was really nice and really what I needed.

So, as I've said a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, the Open destroyed my self-confidence rather than building it up. I've had a bad attitude at the box. I've been down about what I can't do, what I used to do, what I'm struggling to do. I am happy to report at least that I got to end on a high note. When we watched the announcement for 14.5, my heart sank quite a bit because while thrusters and burpees are two movements I can do, the thrusters were at Fran RX, which I've only done in one other workout (never during Fran), maybe two work outs? And while I was a HUGE fan of burpees before I got pregnant, since the moment I was unable to do them, they have been one of the most energy sucking movements for me. But at least it was something I could do. But I was a little down because I thought that it was going to take me like 35-40 minutes to get through this. I mean, 84 thrusters and 84 burpees. But then I totally surprised myself, and everyone else at the box too. I finished right around most of the other girls. Well, not "right around," but I was not too far behind. Really only 2-3 minutes behind most of them. No one, least of all me, expected *that* to happen. So at least I got to end on a good note. I'm feeling a little bit better. We'll see. Next week is our "testing" week, so we'll see how well I actually am doing.

*yes, I know this means that I really probably wasn't totally Whole30 compliant a month ago, hence my inability to accomplish what I was hoping to. 

I know the CF Open really pushed a lot of people but...

... it totally did the opposite for me.

Yeah, I know at the start of the Open I reported that it was the thing that I needed to get my confidence back, that it was the thing I needed to push myself and work toward something.

It didn't happen for me. In pushing me to try to do better, what it did, rather than build my self confidence, it totally destroyed my self confidence. Yes, it should have just highlighted the things I really need to work on if I want to do better, but for me it just further exposed, in front of other competitors, the things I can't do, and in trying to do them and failing to do them, it really just embarrassed me more than anything.

I came close to a kipping pull-up when I was trying to get a chest to bar. I was hoping to get that pull-up. It didn't happen. I did get a toes to bar. My first ever when I was warming up, and I got two during the workout. I should have felt really really good about that. But I don't because it felt more like a fluke than the achievement of a skill.

Look, I know this isn't in the spirit of the games, and perhaps I should cut myself some slack for honestly only really being back consistently for the last 6 weeks, which is the longest training stretch I've had since I got pregnant over a year ago. And perhaps it should be about evaluating what I need to work on, but the problem is that I need work on EVERYTHING.

What I really need to work on is the letting go. It's hard for me to reconcile where I could be right now had I not gotten pregnant. It's hard for me to reconcile that I was stronger than lots of the other women and now everyone is so much stronger and more skilled than I am. Petty? Maybe. But thinking about where I could have been isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to accept where I am now and work from that standpoint, not from where I could be or should be or from where I was. Same with my scholarship. Rather than focus on how my last year should have been, I need to move and do what I need to do. This is a hard pill for someone as competitive and stubborn as myself to swallow.

I think in some ways this may all be a form of self-sabotage here.

So I guess I just grit my teeth, reevaluate my goals, and plug away on both the CF and academic fronts and see where I am by summer.

Take 4,823; Whole30 Days 1-3

As per usual, when I declare an intention, it falls flat and the opposite happens.

I feel like I did something wrong during the last Whole30. I did. I didn't give up my Spark, which technically sugar-free has sucralose which is a sweetener. I honestly did not think it would impact my Whole30 because I'm usually pretty good about keeping the eating of the sugars in check.

Clearly, this is not the case.

Plus, I've been under lots of stress the last couple of weeks, and that has meant stress eating. Albeit conscious, mindful stress eating, but stress eating nonetheless.

This time, I give up the Spark. I am on Day 3 of a new Whole30. This one will be a bigger challenge because we have a banquet in a couple of weeks. I think by then I should be able to handle it.

So why bother doing another one so soon after the last one and so soon after all of my other declarations have fallen short?

• Because I didn't do a good job on the last one and because all of my other declarations have fallen short.
• Because I am still really frustrated with my body, and it is starting to hurt my self-esteem in major ways, and it's starting to affect my ability to focus on my work, and it makes me cry.
• Because I did, let's face it, really shitty in the Open (I know; it's not over yet, but really was over for me at 14.2), and I feel bad about myself, and now we're back to body image mingled with performance and lack of self-esteem.

Yesterday and today are rough days. I feel like shit. Really and truly. I've slept great the last two nights, but I'm utterly and totally exhausted and broken down, both physically and mentally, and unlike the last time, probably because I was drinking the Spark and still had the sugar habit fed, I have been really grumpy the last three days. I'm snippy and stressed and tired and I just want to cry at the box when I'm there.

I'm hoping this passes by the end of the week. 

And truth be told, I'm hoping I lose at least a dress size this time on the Whole30. I know, I know, it's not about weight loss, but really, I've got to try to get my body back to optimal performance, and it's not optimal at this weight or size. 

On Failing, Disappointment, and Learning from the Whole30 & CrossFit Open

Ugh. So my big Paleo100 plan? Already an utter and complete total failure. Perhaps it was doomed to fail. A big giant plan like that? I'm disappointed in myself. I should not consider myself a failure though for eating clean 80% of the time. I'd like it cleaner, but this is what I'm working with. I'm working on not feeling food guilt, and when I do have treats to have them deliberately and enjoy them and not mindlessly eat them.

I have also failed in doing research every day (or even three times a week), and I've not even written in the little Swee'Pea's journal. And she said "dada" for the first time last Wednesday. And she did something else last week that I've forgotten already. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I have also not met any of my CrossFit Open goals. I was hoping that during 14.2 that I'd be able to get a kipping pull-up while trying to get the chest to bar. Not even close. I thought I'd make a much better showing in 14.3 having been really very good at deadlifts before I got pregnant. I did it twice. I did not come anywhere close to my goal either time. Instead, I just sort of cried because I'm not anywhere near where I was before I got pregnant, and I failed both times in trying to achieve a goal.

I feel like a lot of my life this past year and a half has been about what I have hoped to accomplished and have fallen short of. And I'm trying really hard to be okay with these things.

I'm trying very hard to reframe my thinking of things and consider what it means to fail. Does it simply mean I need to try harder, or reevaluate my goals, or both?

What I've learned about my failing to meet my research and Swee'Pea journal goals is that the things that I need to make a priority need to be the priority in my day. This is what I've come to learn. I'm much more likely to consistently CF (or exercise for that matter) in the morning than I am in the afternoon. I make it a priority, and I do it first. So what I need to do then is when I get up in the morning to read, what I need to read is the stuff for research. Since class prep *has* to get done, then that can get done later, but I need to get the research out of the way so I know that that's accomplished. And I need to take the time earlier in the day to write to the Swee'Pea or do that before reading at night. I need to reorganize based on priority and when I know I can accomplish certain things because it's way too easy to just go to bed at night or relax in the afternoon  and put it off until tomorrow. Because here it is 10 tomorrows later, and I've still not even started.

So let's see how this plan works: research in the morning before CF. Class prep during office hours and at night. Swee'Pea's journal before bed. Clean eating.

I had been spending the weekends reading. I hate that. I'm ahead right now and want to stay that way so that I can read during the week and not have to read on the weekends so I can spend time with my family. I don't want Swee'Pea to see me as the parent who has to work every weekend. 

Fortunately research and class prep intersect this week, so I'm off to research/prep right now.

We'll see how this week goes. To be sure, I will report back.

Post Whole30 needs another Whole30

So far my post-Whole30 has just been disastrous.

Ok. Maybe not quite *that* bad, but I seem to have sort of begun to undo everything I spent the last 30 days working toward.

My plan for six days of clean eating and one treat day has failed miserably. Even my Article30 and Swee'Pea Journal30 have failed already right out the gate.

So what does this tell me?

My mind, body, and heart and soul ain't right yet. It tells me I have much more work to do than the last time.

I feel like I have A LOT of work to do. And it's not just about my body. It's about my ability to deal with things and not turn to food when I'm stressed. I have clearly not slayed the sugar demon at all (did I get any sleep last night because of the king cake and wine Sunday night and the M&Ms and wine last night? That's a giant HELLS TO THE NO!). I mean, we're not even two weeks out of the Whole30 (2 weeks tomorrow), and I've undone, it feels like, all my hard work.

I remember the last time I did it--when I had sugar, it sent me in to a tailspin and I had lost a taste and a craving for chocolate. When I had gluten, my stomach swelled uncomfortably and I felt hungover. After eating gluten and chocolate, I don't have those feelings anymore, so I know that something did not fully click with my body this time. And I should have kept going. I knew I should have, and I didn't.

I know it sounds like I'm beating myself up, especially after my super positive post the last time. But I still feel like crap, and I'm still super stressed, and I have lots to do this coming quarter (all of which I'm already behind on--but I did enjoy my break at least). So I don't want this quarter to look like the last two. I need to get things together.

I'm going to map out a plan in my next post, but right now, here's the things that are bothering me:

1. It's true, I hate to say, but I still have some body issues regarding the baby weight. It's getting better. While I'm still struggling with this, and while I still want the baby weight to go away, I'm trying to frame my "body goals" for this next challenge with performance and improvement in my workouts. I have, over break, been able to find a renewed sense of enjoyment and healthy competition in my CF workouts, and why would I want to go to my workout feeling like crap because I binged on junk the night before? If I'm going to spend all of this time taking care of my body on the outside, why am I not doing the same thing for it on the inside? It feels to me, right now, like I'm deliberately setting myself up for failure, on both fronts.
2. I am very worried and very stressed about tenure and our finances. These are both recipes for emotional eating disaster. And I need to not eat and drink my stress away. If I'm hungover and feeling crappy then I probably won't work out which will make me feel even worse which also means that if I'm feeling like shit, I'm not going to be inclined to get work done, and I will overall make some bad choices. It sucks how much this revolves around food, but the truth is that it does. I clearly still have some issues.
3.  I hate being stressed out around the baby. I don't imagine that she'll never see me upset, but she doesn't need to see a person mindless eating M&Ms every night throwing back half a bottle of wine. I want to understand treats as "treats," not as escapisms. 

Like last time, I hope to improve performance at the box, get better sleep, even out the hormones, and slay the sugar dragon, and work on my stress. I have other goals for this as well, but when I map out my plan, those will be included.

On Signing up for the CrossFit Open and Post Whole30 Plans.

Apparently when I posted all my stuff about the CrossFit body and what I was and was not willing to do at the box, Boudreaux decided that he was going to sign up for the CF Game Open, and my competitive spirit got the best of me and there was no way I was going to let him compete and I was just going to sit and watch and be jealous, so I totally signed up. Obviously of course, I'm still not willing to spend 12 hours a week or more at the box to look like a competitor, but here's what I've realized since signing up:

• I actually needed this. Until I signed up and did the first open workout, I didn't actually realize how so depressed I've been. I thought mild/moderate, but I think it's been more moderate to severe. I have found that my attitude, just in general, has completely changed since Saturday. Now, I know part of this is sleep, Boudreaux being home, and being on quarter break, and just in general being done with my second crappy quarter in a row, and looking forward to the coming quarter and my research project. 
• A lack of competitive drive I think does depress me. I think I need to feel like I'm actively working toward something. Or I need to feel like I'm challenging myself. I think I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, feeling like the way the programming at the box was against me (ridiculous, I know. Depression/anxiety much?), like there was no way I was going to be able to work up to the RX or Competitor level. But now, since I am competing in the Open, the Competitors work outs at the box are being programmed around those competing in the Open, so now I get to do the competitor work outs (still scaled down), but I feel like my old self again. I think I was just lacking in confidence.
• It also means that I'm more likely to stick to my plan of Whole6 during the week and keeping the treats for the weekend after the Open workouts. Or even if not Whole6, it will mean that I'm more likely to stick to a 90/10 plan here. (This is how I know I should have done a Whole60 and just kept going--I still need lots of work).
• Do I need to feel tough? clearly. Do feel tough now and confident? Yes. And if that's what I need to help get me through this next quarter and get the article written, then yes, this is all good. 

So what are my post Whole30 plans? Inspired by the Caffeine30 and the Sister30, I'm going to do the Swee'Pea Journal30 and the Article30.

• Swee'Pea30--a couple of months ago I started writing in a journal for the baby about her day and her life up the point when I started writing, and I had been doing well with it. It's something I want to do for both her and I. But this last month because of school and exhaustion, I let a whole month go by without writing to her. Starting tomorrow, I will faithfully write something to her everyday for 30 days and hope that I can re-establish that habit. It's something that I want to do and have missed doing because I'll just go to bed and forget. I hate that.
• Article30--I have six weeks to get a draft of my article written to bring to my scholars writing group. My goal then really for the next 45 days (starting tomorrow) is to do 30-60 minutes worth of work toward this, whether it's reading or writing. The goal is 60 minutes, but that might not be feasible every day, so if I get 30 in, then I'll consider that a success. And I plan to keep doing updates on my progress here, too.

Whole30 Finished!

Actually, Mom and I finished it last week. I have to say, it was tough finishing it during finals week, but I'm glad that I was on it during finals week because I would have had wine every single night. But I didn't. Even after it was over. I did not see much weight loss, much to my chagrin, even though I know I said that's not what this one was about. I think I lost some inches; I have to find my pre Whole30 sheet so I can accurately report. I only lost about 4 or 5 pounds.

Honestly though, I felt better in the beginning than I did at the end. However, this is due to stress more than anything else. I know that's why I didn't lose as much weight as I was hoping for; and I know that's why even though I ate clean, I was still slumping in the afternoons and exhausted and not sleeping my best. And that's ok. I still haven't slayed the sugar demon, and I'm still highly caffeine addicted, but I did take this on the last month of the quarter during a kind of crappy quarter, so overall, though not getting the amazing results I was hoping for and knowing that I really need to do this for 60 days, I am, for the most part, pleased with the Whole30 this time around. I feel better overall; my clothes are fitting better. In all honesty, I can't really complain.

Whole30, Day 26 & on Crossfitting and the Female Body

So this thing ends Wednesday morning. Rather than push another 30 days, I think I'll just keep going until Saturday. I think I'll still do the weights and measurements on Wednesday morning to get the 30 day results, but I'm saving "treat" days until Saturday anyway, so rather than have a "treat" on Wednesday just because I can, waiting until the weekend is certainly not going to hurt me.

After my post yesterday, I realized that even though I'm trying not to focus on pre-baby weight number, I'm still focused on pre-baby size (under the guise of not wanting to have to buy new summer clothes for the third summer in a row), and I realized I'm just substituting one for the other, which is still not the healthiest attitude because the focus is still on size.

Am I happy with being a size 8 when I was a nice 4 right before I got pregnant? No. I am not. I worked really hard to get to a place where I was comfortable with my body, with being slender but not skinny, with having a shape rather than being a rail. While in theory I'm happy with how I look in general, that changes when I catch my reflection in a door or window once I leave my house. Then I see how wide I still really am, how much cellulite I really have, how much my belly still flops. And it's really hard to see the other mothers at the gym able to get their pre-baby bodies back quicker than I am. Now, I am a good 12 years older than most of these girls, and I do try to keep that in mind. But even so, even as smart as I am, as self-reflective as I am, it still really bothers me. It bothers me that it's not coming off fast enough and that I'm focused on that. It bothers me that I'm constantly like just "1 good food and work out week away" from fitting in my size 6s, like that's the focus. Do the 8s fit much better? Yes. Is that a start? Yes. Is it enough? No.

I think this is all coming from in part the profusion of "fitspriation" memes that people from my box post on FB. "Strong is the new skinny." "Lifting heavy doesn't make you fat; cupcakes do." All of course accompanied by women with six pack abs and incredibly cut legs, arms, and backs. Usually with a message, too, from the box poster about how if you're not looking like this or not seeing this kind of definition or body change, then the problem is you and all your "reasons" are just excuses. Here are my reasons why I can't look like that, which I don't think are excuses at all:

1. I won't work out if I've had less than six hours of sleep.
2. I am not willing to get up at 4:30 am (and therefore go to bed at 8pm) to get to the 5 am class if that's the only one I can make that day. Does that make me a slacker or not committed? No, it makes me practical and reasonable.
3. Am I willing to have to compromise my workout to share resources with 22 other people in a small space at 5 am? No. If I'm going to workout, I don't want other people really in my way. It's not fun for me at that point. 
4. Am I willing to spend 10 hours a week at the box in order to look like Camille LeBlanc-Bazinet? Right now--no. Because honestly, that's what it would take to do so. Probably more like 12+ hours. And does this make me look like a slacker in the eyes of many people at my box? I think it does. 
5. Am I willing to sacrifice what I need to get done to make tenure and be an effective professor in favor of extra time at the box? Not right now. Perhaps once I get tenure, I can shift my priorities.

 Do I want to be fit and improve my capacity to lift heavy? Yes because it makes me feel good and strong and it helps my body image tremendously. Do I have the desire to win the CrossFit games anymore? I don't think so.

Here's what I do want to work toward:

1. Strength. I want to be strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want my daughter to see someone who is confident in all areas of life, someone who is fit but not obsessed with appearance and looks (or even health for that matter--I don't want her to have some warped sense of food and eating but rather a healthy aspect). I want her to see someone who excels at her job, who generally likes what she does but isn't consumed by any one part of her life. So with strength, I want her to also see balance.
2. Not obsessing over size or weight or appearance. I don't ever want her to hear me say "I look fat" or "I look ugly." I know she'll never think that of me, and that doesn't ever mean I won't say it, but I don't want her to hear me say it. 
3. Not making food a big deal. Yes, it many ways it is, but I want to work toward an automatic just sort of eating well but not making a big deal of "Oh my god, this is so bad for us! We shouldn't be eating this!" but to make sure treats really are treats, that we all have a healthy wide variety of foods and all share in meal times, and that even though I don't want to make food a big deal, I want it to be associated with health and good things rather than shame.

Of course much of this obviously revolves around what I want for my daughter--I don't want her to have some warped sense of self and it take her 38 years to try to gain some sort of confidence. And that may happen anyway but I don't want her to be like me and going on diets at 11 because she thinks she's fat or she sees me on one.

It's true; I am disappointed that 8 months later I'm still trying to get the rest of the baby-weight/baby-size off of me. I thought, as did everyone else who kept saying, "Oh, it'll be off by October; It'll be off for sure by Thanksgiving/Christmas/first of the year...", and here it is almost March, and I've not made any more real progress since October. This means that I need to accept that I very well may not be able to fit in my size 6 summer clothes. This may very well mean that I must buy summer clothes that fit. And I have to be okay with that. I still want to strive towards 5 days a week of CF and working on improving steadily. I need to reframe how I think about my performance in the box:

It's not because the food I eat and the weights I lift are designed to give me the perfect body. I eat this way and workout this way because it makes me feel good about myself and that is all that matters. 

Whole30, Days 23-25

Definitely in the home stretch now. I think my sleep issues are more or less related to the house being warm enough for the baby, but my not being able to keep my room cool enough for me to sleep. Finding that balance has been trial and error. Also, I think it is some adjustment to the husband being home as well. I got used to that big ole bed all for me! Plus, in the last two weeks, we've had all four seasons here, so the dramatic changes in temperature are a doozy as well. And it's the end of the quarter: I'm tired, frustrated, and ready for a break. At least today and Monday we are watching a movie, so I get a bit of rest. I don't have to "perform" per se, and teaching can be exhausting, at least with the amount of energy I put into it.

The last day of the Whole30 is Tuesday. Five more days, including today. I have to say, I really want to do my measurements because my clothes are fitting better.

I am on the fence now though about continuing for another 30 days. I think it might be better, that is, more convenient, and alleviate a bit of pressure really on both me and Mom if we could do six super clean days, and Saturday be the treat day, because I tell you what--I miss my buffalo chicken salads on Saturdays and having a day that doesn't involve cooking, prep, or leftovers. And should I find myself sliding into the whole weekend of treats and then it bleeding over into the week, then it's another Whole30. And I just miss being able to veg out on Saturdays and not have to plan for anything in advance. I'm usually wiped out by Saturday.

I was thinking too that I need to reframe my thoughts here on my pre-baby weight. When I was talking about it yesterday, I realized how clouded my thinking on it was. it's not the weight I'm trying to get back to; it's the pre-baby size, which is probably equally jacked up, but I'm trying to at least take the focus off the number on the scale. Yes, I do really want to get back into my cute summer clothes. I do want to be able to fit into my jeans from the before time as well, and my shirts, and god knows, I need new underwear, too. As I keep mentioning, there's a practical reason for this, too. I just don't want to have to buy a new summer wardrobe. While it's true that I'll probably buy some clothes anyway, I don't want them to be a temporary fix, and I don't want to *have* to buy them. I'd like to be able to consider buying something new because it's cute or to have a new pair of shorts or something. I don't want it to be a necessity (because I'll probably window shop a bunch of cute things I want but not buy anything and save my money, but if I don't have anything I can fit into, then that's money spent. Sigh). We'll see what happens.

Whole30, Day 22

Yesterday was a painfully long day. I was in asleep before 9pm.

The last couple of nights though, even after the bad sleeping of last week, I seem to be getting right at 8 hours. I mean, I will still often wake up before my alarm. And almost to the minute, too. Like Sunday night I turned out the lights at 10:07 and was asleep shortly after that. I woke up at 6:06. This morning was a little different. About 9 pm to 4:49 am. Almost a full 8 hours. But I laid in bed for almost another hour.

I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I had a good workout this morning. The clothes I wore yesterday and clothes I have on today are significantly looser than they were when I bought them as part of my postpartum new wardrobe shopping spree since I'm still nowhere close to pre-pregnancy weight.

And while I do really really want to be able to get back into the clothes I have in my closet and be able to wear my summer clothes without having to buy another new wardrobe, I am trying really hard not to focus on weight loss, but more about, to borrow from Melissa Joulwan, using the Whole30 to be or get closer to my best self. My best self is not defined by weight or clothes or even performance at the box. And I feel like I've made many improvements since starting this 23 days ago. I am better focused on my work than I was in at the beginning of the quarter (albeit bored and ready for the quarter to end and more looking forward to next quarter). I'm feeling a little bit more hopeful about being able to get some writing done next quarter. And I feel like I'll be able to get some work done over spring break for my classes that will help me be able to focus more on my work throughout the quarter, that is if the little one stays healthy, too, which knock wood, she has been.

Things seem to be a little bit brighter today, so here's hoping to finishing up strong this week!

Whole30, Days 15-21

I have some serious catching up to do.

Last week was a week of adjustment. Boudreaux came back from three weeks of training, my parents left, and my aunt came in to help with the Swee'Pea. Baby Girl also cut a new tooth during this time as well. Fortunately, we had two snow days so that was nice just in terms of being able to spend time with my aunt and to relax a little bit. It also meant that I didn't get anything for work done. I was able to get some more cooking done, which was really really nice.

The truth is, I'm just totally and completely done with this semester. It's a struggle now to make it through these last two weeks. Hopefully though in this entry I can work out some stuff and get sufficiently motivated for the end here.

Because we were all adjusting to some changes in our surroundings, last week was a bit rough. I didn't sleep for three days. Really through no real fault of his own, the hubs woke the baby up each morning he went to work. And because of the tooth issue and perhaps some reflux issues, she just was restless at night and kept waking me up. So I did not sleep very soundly or well. And I think that part of that was that lack of sleep meant a cup of coffee at like 1 in the afternoon, which was a bit late for me to be having caffeine, so I think that contributed to my sleeplessness. Plus, I just could not, for the life of me, get my psoas to release, and we were out of ibuprofen, so I was just a total mess. And while I can moan and wish that I was getting that deep wonderful sleep I got in the beginning and complain that it's not fair and that something's wrong here with my Whole30, I know in part it was probably from dehydration and more caffeine than I was used to. However, how much worse would I have felt had I NOT been doing the Whole30. I have to believe that I got much better sleep than if I weren't on week three.

My saving grace last week though was having all of the food prepped and ready to go. Most nights it didn't take me more than 30 minutes to cook. I took advantage of the snow day and got some meat marinated and cut up beforehand so all I had to do was throw those into the pan. I've got most of the food for this week prepped, not all, but Mom is back in town, so she'll be able to help. But at least what last week showed me was that if I can get everything prepped and ready to go, even with a baby, I can get dinner done. And more often than not, I was able to cook in between her eating and getting her ready for bed even if it meant that it had to sit on the stove or in the oven on warm until after she went to sleep, but still, it kept us from having to eat at 7 or 8 most nights. Prepping is key!

Whole30 Days 13-14

Survived the weekend with leftovers and easy food. And I even survived having a delicious, amazing, sweet smelling king cake sitting on my table. It's packed up and in the freezer. It was hard to remember not to lick my fingers after cutting it up to freeze it.

I am hoping for a snow day. We won't actually get snow, but we're supposed to get lots of ice and stuff, which is enough to shut things down around here. It's the last two weeks of the quarter. I'm tired. I'm unmotivated. While I had a very productive week in terms of grading and stuff the last two weeks, I cannot bring myself to get that stuff done right now. I know I said this before I think, but I'm way more interested in what I'm teaching next quarter than what I'm finishing up right now. My heart just really is not in it at all right now.

Since the Whole30 has really helped clear a lot of the junk, both literally and metaphorically, out of my system, I feel like it's helping me put things into perspective as things clear out. I have spent a lot of time re-evaluating what I want out of my life and what's important to me since the Whole Life Challenge in October, and I find that the things I thought I wanted in my life, some of the goals that I had, I just don't care about them anymore because I have found that other things have more meaning for me. Maybe it's a bit of PPD talking here, maybe not--and honestly, that's one of the things I've got to figure out, too. Am I actually really thinking clearly, or am I not? This is another reason why I think I need to extend the Whole30 to a Whole60. I don't need wine or sugar clouding my brain as I try to figure out how to get to where I want to be.

I have been waking in the middle of the night the last few nights. I don't know if that's because I've been on baby monitor duty and my instincts wake me up to check on her through the video monitor, or if I'm hot or have to pee or a combination of all of the above. Granted, this is perfect or a total miracle, but I can tell the toll interrupted sleep is having. That being said, more water in the afternoons helps tremendously, and I'm still waking up before the alarm (which is so much nicer!) and doing well in the gym. Appetite seems to have leveled out a bit. All in all, as I hit the halfway point here, despite really wanting a pizza today, all things seem to be going very well. Aside from my psoas being super tight and needing more mobility, I'm very pleased with how this is going this time around.

Whole30 Day 12

I was exhausted yesterday. I think that had more to do with 4 days of CrossFit this week, which is way more than I've done in eight weeks I think. Plus, I knew what all I needed to get done when I got home. I needed to get another four batches of the Swee'Pea's food and then get the food for the week prepped. We're going into week 3 here of the Whole30, my parents are going to be gone, and so that means I'm left to cook and and prep and all of that, and I really didn't want to put myself into a situation to where I'm stressed out, tired, and hungry and having to deal with the baby and not wanting to eat at 8 am and being stuck without anything ready to cook. But I've got two meals fully prepped. I've got about half of one meal prepped (I'm missing the lettuce, and then the chicken would need to be cut that day), and the other "big" meal of the week is spaghetti squash and meat sauce and that can wait until my aunt gets here for me to prep/make in advance. I've got a couple of sweet potatoes to peel that I forgot about. One night is leftovers, and one night will be bacon and eggs, so we're covered I think here. And then I can make the chicken salad for lunch tomorrow and prep the fruits for breakfasts and lunch. I have a bit more to do than I wanted to, but the tedious chopping is done at least.

I'm a little bit down now, too, but I think that has more to do with the parents leaving today. They'll be back, but it is really really going to suck when they actually go back home for good. I'm not going to like that at all.

All in all though, the Whole30 is going well. I am about 75% sure that I'm going to extend it to a Whole60. I need it. I really feel like I do. My performance in the gym is improving pretty rapidly, and I need that confidence boost right now (though I think I may need to coat my shoulders in some tiger balm though, not that that has anything to do with anything), and I really want to get rid of the baby weight, honestly in a large part because I don't want to have to buy another summer wardrobe (as I believe I mentioned). The summer before last I bought a bunch of new clothes. Then last summer I bought a bunch of postpartum summer clothes. I don't want to have to spend money on summer clothes for a 3rd summer in a row. I can't afford it. Plus, honestly, I'm just feeling so much better. I mean, I know the Whole30 is not designed to be a Whole365, but I do honestly need keep it more around 90/10 when I finish the Whole30 or Whole60 as the case may be. And honestly, if need be, it may even become a Whole90. We'll see, but I do feel like I need a Whole60.

Today is Day 13. Headaches are gone. I'm pretty sure that they were a dehydration issue. And I think the other part of it was stiffness, and I've been working more on my mobility, so that's helped, too.

And today, since it's just me and the baby until my aunt shows up, I'm going to just relax. I really tend to do little other than that on Saturdays anyway.

Whole30 Days 10-11

We're on Day 11 here. All goes fairly well, although this is the first real mood swinging I've had since starting on the Whole30. It could be the weather. It could be the stress of what all needs to get done in the next two days before my parents leave, so I feel really under the gun. The quarter is getting to me, too. I am ready for it to be over. I've sort of lost interest in what I'm teaching this quarter, sadly.

My headaches are finally going away. I think dehydration was the culprit. My hunger seems to be evening out. I think I'm getting enough to eat now finally or my body is adjusting.

One thing though that I noticed this morning, and my mom said the same thing before I even mentioned it, but when I woke up, I just felt lighter and way less bloated. I don't think I've actually lost weight or anything, maybe inches (and don't worry, I won't cheat by getting on the scale "just out of curiosity"), but I just felt lighter. Sleep seems to be getting better. I can't seem to get more than seven straight hours though. I need more than that I feel like, but I wake up after 7 hours (if I haven't gotten up to pee). I feel like I need a night or two where I can just sleep 9 hours straight, but even going to bed early enough to where I could get 8.5 even with the alarm set, I've been waking before I want to; however, I think I'd rather wake before I want to than to be awakened by an alarm. Oh well. I won't complain too much.

Even though I do feel tired, I have noticed an improvement in my performance already at CF, even after just a week of being back. I am tore up and sore and bruised, but I feel like I'm improving/regaining strength fairly rapidly, all things considered. I do feel good about that. Last week I made it to CF three times; this week I'll hit four times. My goal for next week is M-F.

Overall, feeling so much better. Everyone around me seems to be getting sick again, getting sick for the first time, relapsing, or still sick, and for the first time this year, I don't feel sick or like I'm getting sick, and that was one of my hopes for this Whole30 as well, to help get my immune system back on track.

Whole30 Day 9

I feel like I've been sleeping better. I'm tore up from CrossFit and had to take today off. I've got a very large bruise on my leg from rope climbing and the foam roller. And it just hurts.  Today was a rowing day, and I think that movement would have moved me from pain to injury.

I haven't hit the "kill all the things" stage yet, but I think my biggest problem right now is not getting enough water. I need to bring a water pitcher to work (with a filter) because the water here, to me, smells and tastes chlorinated, and I don't like the way it tastes, and I teach for over two hours straight, so I do get parched. I need to be doing more mobility, too.

Other than that, things are rolling right along here. I found yesterday that I was thinking of chocolate but not how good it would taste. Rather I was sort of put off by the thought of it. The idea of eating something sweet right now (other than fruit), hurts my head and stomach to think about it. I would like some wine though, but given that I'm not hydrated enough, I'm glad that I can't have any.

I haven't given a food update lately either. All of our dinners have come from Melissa Joulwan's Well Fed 2. And everything has been simply amazing. My mom does most of the cooking right now, but she's commented on how easy it it. However, we are behind on prep and groceries this week because we thought the fridge conked out on us. However, before the parents go out of town, next week's meals will be bought and prepped. That is a must because that is the thing which might derail all of this since I won't have four extra hands around the house, so organization tomorrow and Friday is the key here. And Swee'Pea's food has to get made up as well.

Breakfast we still haven't tired of: sweet potato, two poached eggs. Sometimes fruit. Coffee black. It is the perfect breakfast. I should add some fat like an avocado or something (which appears with the lunches on occasion), but it works for me and mom. Lunches have been either leftovers, chicken salad or tuna salad, salad greens, oil, balsamic vinegar, and fruit.

That's it for now. No new struggles or developments to report, so yay! Aside from the headache due to dehydration (and muscle soreness), all is really really good. I will say this, I do feel much more even keel right now, too. And my clothes seem to be fitting a bit better. All giant pluses!

Whole30 Days 6-8

I'm behind on my posting in part because the internet at my office has been on the fritz and not allowing me to connect my laptop to the wireless.

The last three days have been ok. I think I'm sleeping better. Saturday night I was STARVING! And I didn't even work out on Saturday, so I'm assuming there's still some level of adjustment happening here. And while I didn't have consistent cravings for chocolate last week, I did all damn weekend. That's all I could think about was chocolate. And cake. I wanted cake. I've been waking up hungry, which is good. And I'm still tired at night when it's time to go to bed. I'm not getting as much reading done as I'd like at night, but I'm totally up to date on my grading, and the work that I can get done during the day has significantly improved. Still got the afternoon slump, and this weekend I did wake up with some headaches, but I think that I need more water more than anything.

One of the things that I really like about the Whole30, and even the Whole Life Challenge is the reflective part of it. I have really been doing a whole lot of soul searching since doing the Whole Life Challenge from Sept. to Nov., and the thing that I keep coming back to is how much I really want to write. I do love, most of the time, being a professor. Don't get me wrong. And while it was something that I worked really really hard to get to, and while I cannot quit my job just to try to become a writer, it's not truly where my heart is. I mean, I even like academic writing, and I want to write my book, but I would prefer that writing were my career. But I've never tried to publish any sort of creative writing, and I think this summer that will be something that I will work on once I get my article sent out--practically, I need the security of tenure and a job before I can worry about what I want to do, but I need to make time for it.

In short, the Whole30 has helped reaffirm for me what I want to do. The Hartwigs are correct: It starts with food, and it also goes well beyond food, too.

Whole30 Days 4-5

Just a quick little post tonight to catch up here. So far, the Whole30 has been going well. Last night was really the first night that I was just dying for some chocolate. Aside from the first night, last night I really wanted some dark chocolate M&Ms, maybe some dark chocolate squares, some chocolate ice cream. And today when I got home from a meeting that was about 45 minutes too long, I just wanted some wine and to veg out. But I know I'll sleep better tonight and feel better tomorrow not having had either of those two things.

Pretty much though what I was hoping for at least in terms of focus, concentration, and work, the Whole30 has already done what I hoping it would. In terms of my grading and getting the nitty gritty stuff for work done, and grading when the stuff comes in, I've been doing that all week, and getting through it reasonably as well. Now, I still have a lot of prep to do this weekend, so we'll see how that gets done at night after everyone goes to bed and if I can still focus and then still sleep well. I still need to negotiate balance, and food won't do that, but there has already been a marked difference in my being able to have a quick turn around with the grading.

My plan for tomorrow is to sleep until the baby wakes up, go to CF, get back in my pjs, read while she's sleeping, and then veg and relax for the rest of the day, and then Sunday I'll work on organizing things and such.

Despite the cravings, which I expected, and the occasional headache, the first five days have gone very well I think. Here's to the next six and making it past day 10!

Whole30, Day 2-Day3 (yesterday & today)

Yesterday was much more smooth than Day 1. I still really wanted that wine last night. The afternoon went well until the Swee'Pea's ear started hurting her and the squealing began, and we just couldn't get her to settle down (poor baby). It was frustrating in part because I can't just take away the pain, and I had a ton of grading to get through and it was going so well until the meltdown. I know that sounds selfish because it had appeared that I would finish and then be able to enjoy the evening, but baby girl had other plans. At least though we found out this morning it's sinus pressure and teething pain rather than an ear infection.

Usually, this is when I would have grabbed the wine. But since I couldn't have the wine, I had to just deal with the situation rather than taking comfort in the wine, which should be enjoyed rather than reaching for it because the baby is driving me nuts. So it's good to have that thrust upon me. And I just put some kombucha in a wine glass and called it a night (which I know that's the same as eating a Paleo cookie, but oh well). I am happier though that the baby is fine rather than her regular state of illness.

I was really hungry yesterday afternoon, and I did snack. Since I worked out two days in a row, first time in weeks, which is its own adjustment, I should have accounted for that, but it was ok. I made up for it at dinner.

Recap:

• I didn't sleep quite as well last night as the night before, but even though I tossed and turned a little bit, mostly due to the dog sleeping on me, I still woke up before my alarm this morning, and I woke up feeling rested. 
• Even though I was rested, I did still feel tired, but not like I could've have kept sleeping. It was weird to be rested and tired at the same time. And I was very very sore from the last two day's workouts, and after reading the Whole30 Day 3 daily email about Day 3 tiredness and taking it easy on the workouts, that confirmed my decision to take an off day today. Four days this week at CF will be plenty for my return and for week 1.
• I woke up with a headache this morning, which I guess is par for the course, especially for Day 3. So I'm trying to pound the water. Mom is actually doing much worse on this front today than I am, but I am doing surprisingly well. Tonight I get baby monitor duty, so we'll see how I sleep tonight and how I feel tomorrow.
• Like Monday night, falling asleep has been much easier. And I'm tired at night. I feel like already this is making a marked difference in my sleep.

Here are some other things from the last couple of days that are unusual which I attribute already to the Whole30:

• Concentration is way up. Even when I'm in a rush to prep for class and I have to skim what I'm teaching (stuff I've read multiple times. Fear not; I'm not that much of a slacker.) I feel like I can focus better already.
• This is the first time this quarter I'm caught up on work. I can't even believe it! Even with Swee'Pea throwing a wrench in my grading plans yesterday afternoon, I was still able to finish the grading (probably, too, because I didn't have wine!), got the grades calculated and gave them back to the students when I said I would. And because I had two days of good food in my system, I was seriously just able to sit down and get it done. And that was after getting all of my grading done on Monday. I was hoping that this would fall into place like that. 
• This is also the first time this quarter that I don't feel behind or stressed. And when I'm done with this post I'll actually be able to work on getting a little bit ahead. That means that tomorrow's office hours are open to get the papers that come in tomorrow knocked out. 
• I honestly just do not feel as manic or stressed right now either. And I'm glad that I'm caught up because I am very much looking forward to just vegging with the folks tonight. Day 3 is a good night to rest up!

I am not anticipating a "kill all the things" day tomorrow--perhaps because I had several of those last week, but we'll see. Day 4 is about as notorious as Day 10/11, but in all honesty, I feel like it's going much better so far than I anticipated. I'm expecting some rough patches, but I'm hopeful and pleased thus far.

Whole30 Day 1

I survived Day 1. Barely though. I forgot that I had started and almost bought some Reese's buttercups at the store. And last night all I could think was, "oooh, some M&Ms would be the perfect follow up to this dinner!"And I had had a really long day and just wanted some wine. It was my first day back at CF after three weeks, and the baby was fussy, and I was exhausted and still had all of this work to do, and I was just like, "well, maybe I'll restart tomorrow. I want some wine. I *need* some wine." But I did not give in, which felt notable in and of itself, so I had some kombucha instead.

Already some things I've noticed:

• Last night, for the first time in weeks, perhaps even months, I was not wired when I went to bed. Actually, I fell asleep twice while I was reading and trying to prep for class--not good for work, but clearly the cortisol levels were where they should have been in the evening. I think part of that had to do with working out for the first time in weeks as well, but in all honesty, it felt sooooooo good to be tired at 8:30 and not totally wired and pumped up. 
• I also slept really really well. Granted, my parents had the baby monitor (we're alternating nights so that if she does get up, I don't have more than one sleepless/interrupted night at a time as I have been sick and so I don't relapse), but I woke up only because I was hot, shortly after I fell asleep, but had no trouble falling back asleep. I woke up a bit earlier than I wanted to, and before my alarm went off, and while that extra time would have been nice, I wasn't like "oh, I want 10 more hours of sleep!" I felt fairly rested this morning.

Tonight though might be a different story because I get the baby monitor tonight. The meal plan for the week is made. My timing for breakfast was off this morning, but I did have some eggs, and I did manage to get lunch in before class, so I should be good.

Yesterday's meals, fyi, if you're curious:
Breakfast: Poached eggs, sweet potato
Lunch: Chicken salad, salad greens with oil and balsamic vinegar, grapes
Dinner: Buffalo chicken salad (Well Fed 2--AMAZING!)

Today, thus far and on deck:
Breakfast: Poached eggs, grapes
Lunch: see yesterday (I tend to eat the same things for long stretches for breakfast and lunch. I don't really get bored; if I do, I mix it up with leftovers. Right now, convenience and ease and planning are key)
Dinner: Thai Basil Beef, cauliflower rice (Well Fed 2--I'm sure it will be amazing)

Poached eggs are my new favorite thing, and having them on top of sweet potatoes is the perfect breakfast right now. I need to add an orange or something in there, but it works for me.

And coffee, as always, is black.

I'm pretty tired right now at lunch, but this morning's workout was a beast, especially after a three week absence. My CF goals are M-Th, Saturdays. I'd like to return to a five day a week routine. All in all though, I feel a bit clearer, and no hangover yet.

Gotta jet to class now. Here's to a successful day 2!

Whole30 Pre-Game

I discovered the culprit behind the stomach troubles. This. Sadly. But, even though I'm a distributor, it does go to show that one should rely on real, whole food, not supplements and the like, though there are vitamins in there, too. I'm a big fan of most of this stuff, but the challenge thing did not work for me. So for a week I've thought I've had the stomach flu which has kept me from my workouts. Double whamy.

I'm sort of pre-gaming here with the Whole30. I'm excited about giving it another go. I'm excited about getting myself closer to optimal capacity here, but I still want to be able to have my king cake and eat it too until then. My meals from now until Monday will basically be Whole30 meals, but with dinner wine and king cake. And I'll enjoy my lattes until then, too.

I am hopeful.

Additionally, I'm hopeful that getting everything else in place will help with my professional and financial goals, actually. If I can think and focus and not have to reread stuff and get the grading done when it comes in and can focus on it, then that frees up time to get my writing done. And I've got two new preps including a grad class next quarter, so I need to be able to focus. Financially, when I'm feeling good, I'm less likely to mindlessly buy things and spend money in an attempt to be happy or look pretty or something. Plus, we need a minivan and we need to own our own house here, and we need one with more room than what we have now. Especially if there are more children in our future.

I'm also excited about reviving this blog, too. I have found that aside from the time I get to spend with my daughter, I'm truly at my happiest when I'm writing something, anything. And I need to make that happen consistently and be the focus of my life.

Whole30-ing like my life depends on it!

My poor little Paleo blog here. Let me dust off the cobwebs and give her another run.

The Whole Life Challenge was a success even though I didn't get to officially *finish* it by doing the final workout because of a brown recluse spider bite that resulted in surgery and a giant hole in my leg for nearly two weeks, but which sidelined me for nearly three. And twice already since the start of the year have I attempted to go back to CrossFit, but have been sidelined both times by the baby's sickness (including an ER trip and a hospital stay), and then for me a head cold, turned mild flu (three solid days in bed) turned stomach virus something or other. We're now working on week 3 again of being out CrossFit.

It's disheartening. Frustrating. And depressing.

Since the baby has been sick and I've been sick, even trying to do the Advocare 24 Day Challenge, I've been straight up stress eating (not doing the stomach virus any favors here either). At least I recognize that I'm stress eating. It's not stopping me from doing it, and I know that it is feeding into my depression here, too. And I feel like crap. I'm not going to complain about it, but I know exactly why I feel terrible, but I'm stuck in this place I can't get out of.

I'm giving myself the rest of the week to mope and try to get to CrossFit and try to get some sleep and catch up on work, and then Monday I'm starting a Whole30. And I'm doing it as if my life depended on it. Honestly, right now, I feel it sort of does. I feel like the Whole Life Challenge would have been much more beneficial and kept me closer to the straight and narrow during the holidays had I not had to be on the elimination diet for a month, been sick, had surgery, and had a baby that was sick and not sleeping. Not that I'm trying to make excuses here. But I know that my health right now, my whole health, hinges on what I'm fueling my body with. I know, from trial and error, that 95% clean paleo is optimal for my body. I know others can get away with an 80/20 or 85/15 plan--my husband and father are like that. For me, it needs to be a bit cleaner more consistently.

I'll be chronicling the Whole30 journey; I'm shooting for a day by day recap (probably the morning after).

My body/system is a mess. I'm a long way from where I began back in June of 2012.  Here's what I'm struggling with now that I'm hoping (and which I'm confident) the Whole30 is going to help with:

• Sickness/stomach issues. I've been sick a lot since I got pregnant Oct. 2012. I know part of that was pregnancy related. And I know that another part of it is lack of sleep because I have an infant who did not start sleeping through the night until about a week ago (she's 7 months old). However, given all of these factors, a better diet would mitigate the intensity and duration of illness, or at least that's what I'm hoping for. And if I can remain healthy, then I won't be passing that along to the baby or won't be as susceptible to her passing colds along to me. And I'm tired of taking tums every night, multiple times a night.
• Sleep. Part of my getting sick was that I didn't sleep. And even though the baby has been sleeping better and more consistently now, my sleep isn't good because I've been sick and have had stomach aches. I've also had trouble getting to sleep, so I've been staying up later but not feeling rested even after 8 hours of sleep. This affects my health and ability to make it to my workouts in the morning.
• Not being able to work out, mainly because of the above two issues and I just feel like crap.
• Depression. And major PMS. When I first started Paleo, one thing I noticed almost immediately was how much less depressed I was and that my PMS disappeared. Gluten literally makes me sad. And honestly, lately, I'm almost at the point to where I'm about to start having trouble functioning. I find myself also really resentful and jealous of everyone else, and I really hate that feeling.
• Concentration/ability to get my work done quickly. Grading just sits on my desk and stockpiles. I'm NEVER like that with grading. I collect it, grade it, hand it back usually within 48 hours. This academic year? Not so much. Reading and prep takes me forever. And I find it hard to even remember really what I have been reading. Not so great for having to teach novels and such.
• Aches. I just ache. My body aches. I feel middle aged. I don't like that. At all.
• Skin/hair/nails. Skin is not bad yet. My nails are in terrible shape. My hair is losing its luster again. I don't like that at all.
• Stressed. I feel stressed, like I can't keep up with anything, like I'm constantly working and unable to spend as much time with my baby as I'd like. I don't feel like I have time for anything. I want to write. I can't seem to make time for that. Every thing is a push and a rush and a trial. I don't even have time to cook properly because I think of all the other things that need to get done. I hate that.

There you go. I know that all of those are intimately related.  I'm hoping that when one falls into place that hopefully the rest of the things will begin to slowly fall into place as well.

I'm excited about the next month. Having done this before (only once successfully though), I know how hard it can be, but I know how wonderful the other side is, too. While it is true that I hope that this will help get the rest of the baby weight (or a significant amount) and inches off, honestly, since I have at least one pair of jeans and one pair of pants that fit and some dresses, it's not my primary concern. My adjusted goal for that is at least by Swee'Pea's first birthday to be back in the pre-pregnancy summer clothes (because I won't be able to afford new clothes this summer!). And if I can remain healthy and reign my issues in, it shouldn't be a problem.

So here's to good meals with some wine and king cake for the rest of the week, cabinet and fridge cleaning, meal prep and condiment making this weekend, and an enthusiastic Whole30 start on Monday. I can't wait!