I know the CF Open really pushed a lot of people but...

... it totally did the opposite for me.

Yeah, I know at the start of the Open I reported that it was the thing that I needed to get my confidence back, that it was the thing I needed to push myself and work toward something.

It didn't happen for me. In pushing me to try to do better, what it did, rather than build my self confidence, it totally destroyed my self confidence. Yes, it should have just highlighted the things I really need to work on if I want to do better, but for me it just further exposed, in front of other competitors, the things I can't do, and in trying to do them and failing to do them, it really just embarrassed me more than anything.

I came close to a kipping pull-up when I was trying to get a chest to bar. I was hoping to get that pull-up. It didn't happen. I did get a toes to bar. My first ever when I was warming up, and I got two during the workout. I should have felt really really good about that. But I don't because it felt more like a fluke than the achievement of a skill.

Look, I know this isn't in the spirit of the games, and perhaps I should cut myself some slack for honestly only really being back consistently for the last 6 weeks, which is the longest training stretch I've had since I got pregnant over a year ago. And perhaps it should be about evaluating what I need to work on, but the problem is that I need work on EVERYTHING.

What I really need to work on is the letting go. It's hard for me to reconcile where I could be right now had I not gotten pregnant. It's hard for me to reconcile that I was stronger than lots of the other women and now everyone is so much stronger and more skilled than I am. Petty? Maybe. But thinking about where I could have been isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to accept where I am now and work from that standpoint, not from where I could be or should be or from where I was. Same with my scholarship. Rather than focus on how my last year should have been, I need to move and do what I need to do. This is a hard pill for someone as competitive and stubborn as myself to swallow.

I think in some ways this may all be a form of self-sabotage here.

So I guess I just grit my teeth, reevaluate my goals, and plug away on both the CF and academic fronts and see where I am by summer.