Whole30, Day 26 & on Crossfitting and the Female Body

So this thing ends Wednesday morning. Rather than push another 30 days, I think I'll just keep going until Saturday. I think I'll still do the weights and measurements on Wednesday morning to get the 30 day results, but I'm saving "treat" days until Saturday anyway, so rather than have a "treat" on Wednesday just because I can, waiting until the weekend is certainly not going to hurt me.

After my post yesterday, I realized that even though I'm trying not to focus on pre-baby weight number, I'm still focused on pre-baby size (under the guise of not wanting to have to buy new summer clothes for the third summer in a row), and I realized I'm just substituting one for the other, which is still not the healthiest attitude because the focus is still on size.

Am I happy with being a size 8 when I was a nice 4 right before I got pregnant? No. I am not. I worked really hard to get to a place where I was comfortable with my body, with being slender but not skinny, with having a shape rather than being a rail. While in theory I'm happy with how I look in general, that changes when I catch my reflection in a door or window once I leave my house. Then I see how wide I still really am, how much cellulite I really have, how much my belly still flops. And it's really hard to see the other mothers at the gym able to get their pre-baby bodies back quicker than I am. Now, I am a good 12 years older than most of these girls, and I do try to keep that in mind. But even so, even as smart as I am, as self-reflective as I am, it still really bothers me. It bothers me that it's not coming off fast enough and that I'm focused on that. It bothers me that I'm constantly like just "1 good food and work out week away" from fitting in my size 6s, like that's the focus. Do the 8s fit much better? Yes. Is that a start? Yes. Is it enough? No.

I think this is all coming from in part the profusion of "fitspriation" memes that people from my box post on FB. "Strong is the new skinny." "Lifting heavy doesn't make you fat; cupcakes do." All of course accompanied by women with six pack abs and incredibly cut legs, arms, and backs. Usually with a message, too, from the box poster about how if you're not looking like this or not seeing this kind of definition or body change, then the problem is you and all your "reasons" are just excuses. Here are my reasons why I can't look like that, which I don't think are excuses at all:

1. I won't work out if I've had less than six hours of sleep.
2. I am not willing to get up at 4:30 am (and therefore go to bed at 8pm) to get to the 5 am class if that's the only one I can make that day. Does that make me a slacker or not committed? No, it makes me practical and reasonable.
3. Am I willing to have to compromise my workout to share resources with 22 other people in a small space at 5 am? No. If I'm going to workout, I don't want other people really in my way. It's not fun for me at that point. 
4. Am I willing to spend 10 hours a week at the box in order to look like Camille LeBlanc-Bazinet? Right now--no. Because honestly, that's what it would take to do so. Probably more like 12+ hours. And does this make me look like a slacker in the eyes of many people at my box? I think it does. 
5. Am I willing to sacrifice what I need to get done to make tenure and be an effective professor in favor of extra time at the box? Not right now. Perhaps once I get tenure, I can shift my priorities.

 Do I want to be fit and improve my capacity to lift heavy? Yes because it makes me feel good and strong and it helps my body image tremendously. Do I have the desire to win the CrossFit games anymore? I don't think so.

Here's what I do want to work toward:

1. Strength. I want to be strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want my daughter to see someone who is confident in all areas of life, someone who is fit but not obsessed with appearance and looks (or even health for that matter--I don't want her to have some warped sense of food and eating but rather a healthy aspect). I want her to see someone who excels at her job, who generally likes what she does but isn't consumed by any one part of her life. So with strength, I want her to also see balance.
2. Not obsessing over size or weight or appearance. I don't ever want her to hear me say "I look fat" or "I look ugly." I know she'll never think that of me, and that doesn't ever mean I won't say it, but I don't want her to hear me say it. 
3. Not making food a big deal. Yes, it many ways it is, but I want to work toward an automatic just sort of eating well but not making a big deal of "Oh my god, this is so bad for us! We shouldn't be eating this!" but to make sure treats really are treats, that we all have a healthy wide variety of foods and all share in meal times, and that even though I don't want to make food a big deal, I want it to be associated with health and good things rather than shame.

Of course much of this obviously revolves around what I want for my daughter--I don't want her to have some warped sense of self and it take her 38 years to try to gain some sort of confidence. And that may happen anyway but I don't want her to be like me and going on diets at 11 because she thinks she's fat or she sees me on one.

It's true; I am disappointed that 8 months later I'm still trying to get the rest of the baby-weight/baby-size off of me. I thought, as did everyone else who kept saying, "Oh, it'll be off by October; It'll be off for sure by Thanksgiving/Christmas/first of the year...", and here it is almost March, and I've not made any more real progress since October. This means that I need to accept that I very well may not be able to fit in my size 6 summer clothes. This may very well mean that I must buy summer clothes that fit. And I have to be okay with that. I still want to strive towards 5 days a week of CF and working on improving steadily. I need to reframe how I think about my performance in the box:

It's not because the food I eat and the weights I lift are designed to give me the perfect body. I eat this way and workout this way because it makes me feel good about myself and that is all that matters. 

Whole30, Days 23-25

Definitely in the home stretch now. I think my sleep issues are more or less related to the house being warm enough for the baby, but my not being able to keep my room cool enough for me to sleep. Finding that balance has been trial and error. Also, I think it is some adjustment to the husband being home as well. I got used to that big ole bed all for me! Plus, in the last two weeks, we've had all four seasons here, so the dramatic changes in temperature are a doozy as well. And it's the end of the quarter: I'm tired, frustrated, and ready for a break. At least today and Monday we are watching a movie, so I get a bit of rest. I don't have to "perform" per se, and teaching can be exhausting, at least with the amount of energy I put into it.

The last day of the Whole30 is Tuesday. Five more days, including today. I have to say, I really want to do my measurements because my clothes are fitting better.

I am on the fence now though about continuing for another 30 days. I think it might be better, that is, more convenient, and alleviate a bit of pressure really on both me and Mom if we could do six super clean days, and Saturday be the treat day, because I tell you what--I miss my buffalo chicken salads on Saturdays and having a day that doesn't involve cooking, prep, or leftovers. And should I find myself sliding into the whole weekend of treats and then it bleeding over into the week, then it's another Whole30. And I just miss being able to veg out on Saturdays and not have to plan for anything in advance. I'm usually wiped out by Saturday.

I was thinking too that I need to reframe my thoughts here on my pre-baby weight. When I was talking about it yesterday, I realized how clouded my thinking on it was. it's not the weight I'm trying to get back to; it's the pre-baby size, which is probably equally jacked up, but I'm trying to at least take the focus off the number on the scale. Yes, I do really want to get back into my cute summer clothes. I do want to be able to fit into my jeans from the before time as well, and my shirts, and god knows, I need new underwear, too. As I keep mentioning, there's a practical reason for this, too. I just don't want to have to buy a new summer wardrobe. While it's true that I'll probably buy some clothes anyway, I don't want them to be a temporary fix, and I don't want to *have* to buy them. I'd like to be able to consider buying something new because it's cute or to have a new pair of shorts or something. I don't want it to be a necessity (because I'll probably window shop a bunch of cute things I want but not buy anything and save my money, but if I don't have anything I can fit into, then that's money spent. Sigh). We'll see what happens.

Whole30, Day 22

Yesterday was a painfully long day. I was in asleep before 9pm.

The last couple of nights though, even after the bad sleeping of last week, I seem to be getting right at 8 hours. I mean, I will still often wake up before my alarm. And almost to the minute, too. Like Sunday night I turned out the lights at 10:07 and was asleep shortly after that. I woke up at 6:06. This morning was a little different. About 9 pm to 4:49 am. Almost a full 8 hours. But I laid in bed for almost another hour.

I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I had a good workout this morning. The clothes I wore yesterday and clothes I have on today are significantly looser than they were when I bought them as part of my postpartum new wardrobe shopping spree since I'm still nowhere close to pre-pregnancy weight.

And while I do really really want to be able to get back into the clothes I have in my closet and be able to wear my summer clothes without having to buy another new wardrobe, I am trying really hard not to focus on weight loss, but more about, to borrow from Melissa Joulwan, using the Whole30 to be or get closer to my best self. My best self is not defined by weight or clothes or even performance at the box. And I feel like I've made many improvements since starting this 23 days ago. I am better focused on my work than I was in at the beginning of the quarter (albeit bored and ready for the quarter to end and more looking forward to next quarter). I'm feeling a little bit more hopeful about being able to get some writing done next quarter. And I feel like I'll be able to get some work done over spring break for my classes that will help me be able to focus more on my work throughout the quarter, that is if the little one stays healthy, too, which knock wood, she has been.

Things seem to be a little bit brighter today, so here's hoping to finishing up strong this week!

Whole30, Days 15-21

I have some serious catching up to do.

Last week was a week of adjustment. Boudreaux came back from three weeks of training, my parents left, and my aunt came in to help with the Swee'Pea. Baby Girl also cut a new tooth during this time as well. Fortunately, we had two snow days so that was nice just in terms of being able to spend time with my aunt and to relax a little bit. It also meant that I didn't get anything for work done. I was able to get some more cooking done, which was really really nice.

The truth is, I'm just totally and completely done with this semester. It's a struggle now to make it through these last two weeks. Hopefully though in this entry I can work out some stuff and get sufficiently motivated for the end here.

Because we were all adjusting to some changes in our surroundings, last week was a bit rough. I didn't sleep for three days. Really through no real fault of his own, the hubs woke the baby up each morning he went to work. And because of the tooth issue and perhaps some reflux issues, she just was restless at night and kept waking me up. So I did not sleep very soundly or well. And I think that part of that was that lack of sleep meant a cup of coffee at like 1 in the afternoon, which was a bit late for me to be having caffeine, so I think that contributed to my sleeplessness. Plus, I just could not, for the life of me, get my psoas to release, and we were out of ibuprofen, so I was just a total mess. And while I can moan and wish that I was getting that deep wonderful sleep I got in the beginning and complain that it's not fair and that something's wrong here with my Whole30, I know in part it was probably from dehydration and more caffeine than I was used to. However, how much worse would I have felt had I NOT been doing the Whole30. I have to believe that I got much better sleep than if I weren't on week three.

My saving grace last week though was having all of the food prepped and ready to go. Most nights it didn't take me more than 30 minutes to cook. I took advantage of the snow day and got some meat marinated and cut up beforehand so all I had to do was throw those into the pan. I've got most of the food for this week prepped, not all, but Mom is back in town, so she'll be able to help. But at least what last week showed me was that if I can get everything prepped and ready to go, even with a baby, I can get dinner done. And more often than not, I was able to cook in between her eating and getting her ready for bed even if it meant that it had to sit on the stove or in the oven on warm until after she went to sleep, but still, it kept us from having to eat at 7 or 8 most nights. Prepping is key!

Whole30 Days 13-14

Survived the weekend with leftovers and easy food. And I even survived having a delicious, amazing, sweet smelling king cake sitting on my table. It's packed up and in the freezer. It was hard to remember not to lick my fingers after cutting it up to freeze it.

I am hoping for a snow day. We won't actually get snow, but we're supposed to get lots of ice and stuff, which is enough to shut things down around here. It's the last two weeks of the quarter. I'm tired. I'm unmotivated. While I had a very productive week in terms of grading and stuff the last two weeks, I cannot bring myself to get that stuff done right now. I know I said this before I think, but I'm way more interested in what I'm teaching next quarter than what I'm finishing up right now. My heart just really is not in it at all right now.

Since the Whole30 has really helped clear a lot of the junk, both literally and metaphorically, out of my system, I feel like it's helping me put things into perspective as things clear out. I have spent a lot of time re-evaluating what I want out of my life and what's important to me since the Whole Life Challenge in October, and I find that the things I thought I wanted in my life, some of the goals that I had, I just don't care about them anymore because I have found that other things have more meaning for me. Maybe it's a bit of PPD talking here, maybe not--and honestly, that's one of the things I've got to figure out, too. Am I actually really thinking clearly, or am I not? This is another reason why I think I need to extend the Whole30 to a Whole60. I don't need wine or sugar clouding my brain as I try to figure out how to get to where I want to be.

I have been waking in the middle of the night the last few nights. I don't know if that's because I've been on baby monitor duty and my instincts wake me up to check on her through the video monitor, or if I'm hot or have to pee or a combination of all of the above. Granted, this is perfect or a total miracle, but I can tell the toll interrupted sleep is having. That being said, more water in the afternoons helps tremendously, and I'm still waking up before the alarm (which is so much nicer!) and doing well in the gym. Appetite seems to have leveled out a bit. All in all, as I hit the halfway point here, despite really wanting a pizza today, all things seem to be going very well. Aside from my psoas being super tight and needing more mobility, I'm very pleased with how this is going this time around.

Whole30 Day 12

I was exhausted yesterday. I think that had more to do with 4 days of CrossFit this week, which is way more than I've done in eight weeks I think. Plus, I knew what all I needed to get done when I got home. I needed to get another four batches of the Swee'Pea's food and then get the food for the week prepped. We're going into week 3 here of the Whole30, my parents are going to be gone, and so that means I'm left to cook and and prep and all of that, and I really didn't want to put myself into a situation to where I'm stressed out, tired, and hungry and having to deal with the baby and not wanting to eat at 8 am and being stuck without anything ready to cook. But I've got two meals fully prepped. I've got about half of one meal prepped (I'm missing the lettuce, and then the chicken would need to be cut that day), and the other "big" meal of the week is spaghetti squash and meat sauce and that can wait until my aunt gets here for me to prep/make in advance. I've got a couple of sweet potatoes to peel that I forgot about. One night is leftovers, and one night will be bacon and eggs, so we're covered I think here. And then I can make the chicken salad for lunch tomorrow and prep the fruits for breakfasts and lunch. I have a bit more to do than I wanted to, but the tedious chopping is done at least.

I'm a little bit down now, too, but I think that has more to do with the parents leaving today. They'll be back, but it is really really going to suck when they actually go back home for good. I'm not going to like that at all.

All in all though, the Whole30 is going well. I am about 75% sure that I'm going to extend it to a Whole60. I need it. I really feel like I do. My performance in the gym is improving pretty rapidly, and I need that confidence boost right now (though I think I may need to coat my shoulders in some tiger balm though, not that that has anything to do with anything), and I really want to get rid of the baby weight, honestly in a large part because I don't want to have to buy another summer wardrobe (as I believe I mentioned). The summer before last I bought a bunch of new clothes. Then last summer I bought a bunch of postpartum summer clothes. I don't want to have to spend money on summer clothes for a 3rd summer in a row. I can't afford it. Plus, honestly, I'm just feeling so much better. I mean, I know the Whole30 is not designed to be a Whole365, but I do honestly need keep it more around 90/10 when I finish the Whole30 or Whole60 as the case may be. And honestly, if need be, it may even become a Whole90. We'll see, but I do feel like I need a Whole60.

Today is Day 13. Headaches are gone. I'm pretty sure that they were a dehydration issue. And I think the other part of it was stiffness, and I've been working more on my mobility, so that's helped, too.

And today, since it's just me and the baby until my aunt shows up, I'm going to just relax. I really tend to do little other than that on Saturdays anyway.

Whole30 Days 10-11

We're on Day 11 here. All goes fairly well, although this is the first real mood swinging I've had since starting on the Whole30. It could be the weather. It could be the stress of what all needs to get done in the next two days before my parents leave, so I feel really under the gun. The quarter is getting to me, too. I am ready for it to be over. I've sort of lost interest in what I'm teaching this quarter, sadly.

My headaches are finally going away. I think dehydration was the culprit. My hunger seems to be evening out. I think I'm getting enough to eat now finally or my body is adjusting.

One thing though that I noticed this morning, and my mom said the same thing before I even mentioned it, but when I woke up, I just felt lighter and way less bloated. I don't think I've actually lost weight or anything, maybe inches (and don't worry, I won't cheat by getting on the scale "just out of curiosity"), but I just felt lighter. Sleep seems to be getting better. I can't seem to get more than seven straight hours though. I need more than that I feel like, but I wake up after 7 hours (if I haven't gotten up to pee). I feel like I need a night or two where I can just sleep 9 hours straight, but even going to bed early enough to where I could get 8.5 even with the alarm set, I've been waking before I want to; however, I think I'd rather wake before I want to than to be awakened by an alarm. Oh well. I won't complain too much.

Even though I do feel tired, I have noticed an improvement in my performance already at CF, even after just a week of being back. I am tore up and sore and bruised, but I feel like I'm improving/regaining strength fairly rapidly, all things considered. I do feel good about that. Last week I made it to CF three times; this week I'll hit four times. My goal for next week is M-F.

Overall, feeling so much better. Everyone around me seems to be getting sick again, getting sick for the first time, relapsing, or still sick, and for the first time this year, I don't feel sick or like I'm getting sick, and that was one of my hopes for this Whole30 as well, to help get my immune system back on track.

Whole30 Day 9

I feel like I've been sleeping better. I'm tore up from CrossFit and had to take today off. I've got a very large bruise on my leg from rope climbing and the foam roller. And it just hurts.  Today was a rowing day, and I think that movement would have moved me from pain to injury.

I haven't hit the "kill all the things" stage yet, but I think my biggest problem right now is not getting enough water. I need to bring a water pitcher to work (with a filter) because the water here, to me, smells and tastes chlorinated, and I don't like the way it tastes, and I teach for over two hours straight, so I do get parched. I need to be doing more mobility, too.

Other than that, things are rolling right along here. I found yesterday that I was thinking of chocolate but not how good it would taste. Rather I was sort of put off by the thought of it. The idea of eating something sweet right now (other than fruit), hurts my head and stomach to think about it. I would like some wine though, but given that I'm not hydrated enough, I'm glad that I can't have any.

I haven't given a food update lately either. All of our dinners have come from Melissa Joulwan's Well Fed 2. And everything has been simply amazing. My mom does most of the cooking right now, but she's commented on how easy it it. However, we are behind on prep and groceries this week because we thought the fridge conked out on us. However, before the parents go out of town, next week's meals will be bought and prepped. That is a must because that is the thing which might derail all of this since I won't have four extra hands around the house, so organization tomorrow and Friday is the key here. And Swee'Pea's food has to get made up as well.

Breakfast we still haven't tired of: sweet potato, two poached eggs. Sometimes fruit. Coffee black. It is the perfect breakfast. I should add some fat like an avocado or something (which appears with the lunches on occasion), but it works for me and mom. Lunches have been either leftovers, chicken salad or tuna salad, salad greens, oil, balsamic vinegar, and fruit.

That's it for now. No new struggles or developments to report, so yay! Aside from the headache due to dehydration (and muscle soreness), all is really really good. I will say this, I do feel much more even keel right now, too. And my clothes seem to be fitting a bit better. All giant pluses!

Whole30 Days 6-8

I'm behind on my posting in part because the internet at my office has been on the fritz and not allowing me to connect my laptop to the wireless.

The last three days have been ok. I think I'm sleeping better. Saturday night I was STARVING! And I didn't even work out on Saturday, so I'm assuming there's still some level of adjustment happening here. And while I didn't have consistent cravings for chocolate last week, I did all damn weekend. That's all I could think about was chocolate. And cake. I wanted cake. I've been waking up hungry, which is good. And I'm still tired at night when it's time to go to bed. I'm not getting as much reading done as I'd like at night, but I'm totally up to date on my grading, and the work that I can get done during the day has significantly improved. Still got the afternoon slump, and this weekend I did wake up with some headaches, but I think that I need more water more than anything.

One of the things that I really like about the Whole30, and even the Whole Life Challenge is the reflective part of it. I have really been doing a whole lot of soul searching since doing the Whole Life Challenge from Sept. to Nov., and the thing that I keep coming back to is how much I really want to write. I do love, most of the time, being a professor. Don't get me wrong. And while it was something that I worked really really hard to get to, and while I cannot quit my job just to try to become a writer, it's not truly where my heart is. I mean, I even like academic writing, and I want to write my book, but I would prefer that writing were my career. But I've never tried to publish any sort of creative writing, and I think this summer that will be something that I will work on once I get my article sent out--practically, I need the security of tenure and a job before I can worry about what I want to do, but I need to make time for it.

In short, the Whole30 has helped reaffirm for me what I want to do. The Hartwigs are correct: It starts with food, and it also goes well beyond food, too.