I've made it through my first week.
The two things that I've done differently this time, cutting out the Spark and switching from butter to ghee*, have made a dramatic difference in how I feel this week versus how I felt that first week two months ago. Just a tiny little change like that, and wow. I was not expecting that much of a difference.
My sugar cravings? Pretty much gone at this point. I did want some king cake last night that's still hanging out in my freezer, but that was more out of habit than real want. For the last four weeks that had been my weekend treat. I didn't even think about it until last night, and I think that's because I wanted more dinner. And I have noticed a difference that I can't quite explain in cutting out the butter. I don't know what the difference is, but I feel a difference.
I also noticed a difference in how I've felt during my workouts this week, too. I mean, I was exhausted. I knew that going into last week that I'd be tired. By Wednesday I had felt like someone pulled my plug, and I was super cranky. (Good thing I only have office hours on Wednesdays!). On Thursday I didn't want to work out either, but I went and took it easy just in case 14.5 involved something that I couldn't do and I didn't want to have three days in a row with hardly a work out or none at all. So I took it easy. And 14.5 just knocked me out! Yesterday I was moving in slow motion for most of the day.
Saturday we did something that we haven't done since Swee'Pea was born--we all went downtown and just walked around. Boudreaux, Baby, Mom, and I all went to lunch then we just went out and enjoyed the day. It was a gorgeous day. It was so wonderful to just do something outside and relaxing. I got my hair done. I took an entire day off of work. It was really nice and really what I needed.
So, as I've said a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, the Open destroyed my self-confidence rather than building it up. I've had a bad attitude at the box. I've been down about what I can't do, what I used to do, what I'm struggling to do. I am happy to report at least that I got to end on a high note. When we watched the announcement for 14.5, my heart sank quite a bit because while thrusters and burpees are two movements I can do, the thrusters were at Fran RX, which I've only done in one other workout (never during Fran), maybe two work outs? And while I was a HUGE fan of burpees before I got pregnant, since the moment I was unable to do them, they have been one of the most energy sucking movements for me. But at least it was something I could do. But I was a little down because I thought that it was going to take me like 35-40 minutes to get through this. I mean, 84 thrusters and 84 burpees. But then I totally surprised myself, and everyone else at the box too. I finished right around most of the other girls. Well, not "right around," but I was not too far behind. Really only 2-3 minutes behind most of them. No one, least of all me, expected *that* to happen. So at least I got to end on a good note. I'm feeling a little bit better. We'll see. Next week is our "testing" week, so we'll see how well I actually am doing.
*yes, I know this means that I really probably wasn't totally Whole30 compliant a month ago, hence my inability to accomplish what I was hoping to.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I know the CF Open really pushed a lot of people but...
... it totally did the opposite for me.
Yeah, I know at the start of the Open I reported that it was the thing that I needed to get my confidence back, that it was the thing I needed to push myself and work toward something.
It didn't happen for me. In pushing me to try to do better, what it did, rather than build my self confidence, it totally destroyed my self confidence. Yes, it should have just highlighted the things I really need to work on if I want to do better, but for me it just further exposed, in front of other competitors, the things I can't do, and in trying to do them and failing to do them, it really just embarrassed me more than anything.
I came close to a kipping pull-up when I was trying to get a chest to bar. I was hoping to get that pull-up. It didn't happen. I did get a toes to bar. My first ever when I was warming up, and I got two during the workout. I should have felt really really good about that. But I don't because it felt more like a fluke than the achievement of a skill.
Look, I know this isn't in the spirit of the games, and perhaps I should cut myself some slack for honestly only really being back consistently for the last 6 weeks, which is the longest training stretch I've had since I got pregnant over a year ago. And perhaps it should be about evaluating what I need to work on, but the problem is that I need work on EVERYTHING.
What I really need to work on is the letting go. It's hard for me to reconcile where I could be right now had I not gotten pregnant. It's hard for me to reconcile that I was stronger than lots of the other women and now everyone is so much stronger and more skilled than I am. Petty? Maybe. But thinking about where I could have been isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to accept where I am now and work from that standpoint, not from where I could be or should be or from where I was. Same with my scholarship. Rather than focus on how my last year should have been, I need to move and do what I need to do. This is a hard pill for someone as competitive and stubborn as myself to swallow.
I think in some ways this may all be a form of self-sabotage here.
So I guess I just grit my teeth, reevaluate my goals, and plug away on both the CF and academic fronts and see where I am by summer.
Yeah, I know at the start of the Open I reported that it was the thing that I needed to get my confidence back, that it was the thing I needed to push myself and work toward something.
It didn't happen for me. In pushing me to try to do better, what it did, rather than build my self confidence, it totally destroyed my self confidence. Yes, it should have just highlighted the things I really need to work on if I want to do better, but for me it just further exposed, in front of other competitors, the things I can't do, and in trying to do them and failing to do them, it really just embarrassed me more than anything.
I came close to a kipping pull-up when I was trying to get a chest to bar. I was hoping to get that pull-up. It didn't happen. I did get a toes to bar. My first ever when I was warming up, and I got two during the workout. I should have felt really really good about that. But I don't because it felt more like a fluke than the achievement of a skill.
Look, I know this isn't in the spirit of the games, and perhaps I should cut myself some slack for honestly only really being back consistently for the last 6 weeks, which is the longest training stretch I've had since I got pregnant over a year ago. And perhaps it should be about evaluating what I need to work on, but the problem is that I need work on EVERYTHING.
What I really need to work on is the letting go. It's hard for me to reconcile where I could be right now had I not gotten pregnant. It's hard for me to reconcile that I was stronger than lots of the other women and now everyone is so much stronger and more skilled than I am. Petty? Maybe. But thinking about where I could have been isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to accept where I am now and work from that standpoint, not from where I could be or should be or from where I was. Same with my scholarship. Rather than focus on how my last year should have been, I need to move and do what I need to do. This is a hard pill for someone as competitive and stubborn as myself to swallow.
I think in some ways this may all be a form of self-sabotage here.
So I guess I just grit my teeth, reevaluate my goals, and plug away on both the CF and academic fronts and see where I am by summer.
Take 4,823; Whole30 Days 1-3
As per usual, when I declare an intention, it falls flat and the opposite happens.
I feel like I did something wrong during the last Whole30. I did. I didn't give up my Spark, which technically sugar-free has sucralose which is a sweetener. I honestly did not think it would impact my Whole30 because I'm usually pretty good about keeping the eating of the sugars in check.
Clearly, this is not the case.
Plus, I've been under lots of stress the last couple of weeks, and that has meant stress eating. Albeit conscious, mindful stress eating, but stress eating nonetheless.
This time, I give up the Spark. I am on Day 3 of a new Whole30. This one will be a bigger challenge because we have a banquet in a couple of weeks. I think by then I should be able to handle it.
So why bother doing another one so soon after the last one and so soon after all of my other declarations have fallen short?
I'm hoping this passes by the end of the week.
And truth be told, I'm hoping I lose at least a dress size this time on the Whole30. I know, I know, it's not about weight loss, but really, I've got to try to get my body back to optimal performance, and it's not optimal at this weight or size.
I feel like I did something wrong during the last Whole30. I did. I didn't give up my Spark, which technically sugar-free has sucralose which is a sweetener. I honestly did not think it would impact my Whole30 because I'm usually pretty good about keeping the eating of the sugars in check.
Clearly, this is not the case.
Plus, I've been under lots of stress the last couple of weeks, and that has meant stress eating. Albeit conscious, mindful stress eating, but stress eating nonetheless.
This time, I give up the Spark. I am on Day 3 of a new Whole30. This one will be a bigger challenge because we have a banquet in a couple of weeks. I think by then I should be able to handle it.
So why bother doing another one so soon after the last one and so soon after all of my other declarations have fallen short?
- Because I didn't do a good job on the last one and because all of my other declarations have fallen short.
- Because I am still really frustrated with my body, and it is starting to hurt my self-esteem in major ways, and it's starting to affect my ability to focus on my work, and it makes me cry.
- Because I did, let's face it, really shitty in the Open (I know; it's not over yet, but really was over for me at 14.2), and I feel bad about myself, and now we're back to body image mingled with performance and lack of self-esteem.
I'm hoping this passes by the end of the week.
And truth be told, I'm hoping I lose at least a dress size this time on the Whole30. I know, I know, it's not about weight loss, but really, I've got to try to get my body back to optimal performance, and it's not optimal at this weight or size.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
On Failing, Disappointment, and Learning from the Whole30 & CrossFit Open
Ugh. So my big Paleo100 plan? Already an utter and complete total failure. Perhaps it was doomed to fail. A big giant plan like that? I'm disappointed in myself. I should not consider myself a failure though for eating clean 80% of the time. I'd like it cleaner, but this is what I'm working with. I'm working on not feeling food guilt, and when I do have treats to have them deliberately and enjoy them and not mindlessly eat them.
I have also failed in doing research every day (or even three times a week), and I've not even written in the little Swee'Pea's journal. And she said "dada" for the first time last Wednesday. And she did something else last week that I've forgotten already. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I have also not met any of my CrossFit Open goals. I was hoping that during 14.2 that I'd be able to get a kipping pull-up while trying to get the chest to bar. Not even close. I thought I'd make a much better showing in 14.3 having been really very good at deadlifts before I got pregnant. I did it twice. I did not come anywhere close to my goal either time. Instead, I just sort of cried because I'm not anywhere near where I was before I got pregnant, and I failed both times in trying to achieve a goal.
I feel like a lot of my life this past year and a half has been about what I have hoped to accomplished and have fallen short of. And I'm trying really hard to be okay with these things.
I'm trying very hard to reframe my thinking of things and consider what it means to fail. Does it simply mean I need to try harder, or reevaluate my goals, or both?
What I've learned about my failing to meet my research and Swee'Pea journal goals is that the things that I need to make a priority need to be the priority in my day. This is what I've come to learn. I'm much more likely to consistently CF (or exercise for that matter) in the morning than I am in the afternoon. I make it a priority, and I do it first. So what I need to do then is when I get up in the morning to read, what I need to read is the stuff for research. Since class prep *has* to get done, then that can get done later, but I need to get the research out of the way so I know that that's accomplished. And I need to take the time earlier in the day to write to the Swee'Pea or do that before reading at night. I need to reorganize based on priority and when I know I can accomplish certain things because it's way too easy to just go to bed at night or relax in the afternoon and put it off until tomorrow. Because here it is 10 tomorrows later, and I've still not even started.
So let's see how this plan works: research in the morning before CF. Class prep during office hours and at night. Swee'Pea's journal before bed. Clean eating.
I had been spending the weekends reading. I hate that. I'm ahead right now and want to stay that way so that I can read during the week and not have to read on the weekends so I can spend time with my family. I don't want Swee'Pea to see me as the parent who has to work every weekend.
Fortunately research and class prep intersect this week, so I'm off to research/prep right now.
We'll see how this week goes. To be sure, I will report back.
I have also failed in doing research every day (or even three times a week), and I've not even written in the little Swee'Pea's journal. And she said "dada" for the first time last Wednesday. And she did something else last week that I've forgotten already. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I have also not met any of my CrossFit Open goals. I was hoping that during 14.2 that I'd be able to get a kipping pull-up while trying to get the chest to bar. Not even close. I thought I'd make a much better showing in 14.3 having been really very good at deadlifts before I got pregnant. I did it twice. I did not come anywhere close to my goal either time. Instead, I just sort of cried because I'm not anywhere near where I was before I got pregnant, and I failed both times in trying to achieve a goal.
I feel like a lot of my life this past year and a half has been about what I have hoped to accomplished and have fallen short of. And I'm trying really hard to be okay with these things.
I'm trying very hard to reframe my thinking of things and consider what it means to fail. Does it simply mean I need to try harder, or reevaluate my goals, or both?
What I've learned about my failing to meet my research and Swee'Pea journal goals is that the things that I need to make a priority need to be the priority in my day. This is what I've come to learn. I'm much more likely to consistently CF (or exercise for that matter) in the morning than I am in the afternoon. I make it a priority, and I do it first. So what I need to do then is when I get up in the morning to read, what I need to read is the stuff for research. Since class prep *has* to get done, then that can get done later, but I need to get the research out of the way so I know that that's accomplished. And I need to take the time earlier in the day to write to the Swee'Pea or do that before reading at night. I need to reorganize based on priority and when I know I can accomplish certain things because it's way too easy to just go to bed at night or relax in the afternoon and put it off until tomorrow. Because here it is 10 tomorrows later, and I've still not even started.
So let's see how this plan works: research in the morning before CF. Class prep during office hours and at night. Swee'Pea's journal before bed. Clean eating.
I had been spending the weekends reading. I hate that. I'm ahead right now and want to stay that way so that I can read during the week and not have to read on the weekends so I can spend time with my family. I don't want Swee'Pea to see me as the parent who has to work every weekend.
Fortunately research and class prep intersect this week, so I'm off to research/prep right now.
We'll see how this week goes. To be sure, I will report back.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Post Whole30 needs another Whole30
So far my post-Whole30 has just been disastrous.
Ok. Maybe not quite *that* bad, but I seem to have sort of begun to undo everything I spent the last 30 days working toward.
My plan for six days of clean eating and one treat day has failed miserably. Even my Article30 and Swee'Pea Journal30 have failed already right out the gate.
So what does this tell me?
My mind, body, and heart and soul ain't right yet. It tells me I have much more work to do than the last time.
I feel like I have A LOT of work to do. And it's not just about my body. It's about my ability to deal with things and not turn to food when I'm stressed. I have clearly not slayed the sugar demon at all (did I get any sleep last night because of the king cake and wine Sunday night and the M&Ms and wine last night? That's a giant HELLS TO THE NO!). I mean, we're not even two weeks out of the Whole30 (2 weeks tomorrow), and I've undone, it feels like, all my hard work.
I remember the last time I did it--when I had sugar, it sent me in to a tailspin and I had lost a taste and a craving for chocolate. When I had gluten, my stomach swelled uncomfortably and I felt hungover. After eating gluten and chocolate, I don't have those feelings anymore, so I know that something did not fully click with my body this time. And I should have kept going. I knew I should have, and I didn't.
I know it sounds like I'm beating myself up, especially after my super positive post the last time. But I still feel like crap, and I'm still super stressed, and I have lots to do this coming quarter (all of which I'm already behind on--but I did enjoy my break at least). So I don't want this quarter to look like the last two. I need to get things together.
I'm going to map out a plan in my next post, but right now, here's the things that are bothering me:
Ok. Maybe not quite *that* bad, but I seem to have sort of begun to undo everything I spent the last 30 days working toward.
My plan for six days of clean eating and one treat day has failed miserably. Even my Article30 and Swee'Pea Journal30 have failed already right out the gate.
So what does this tell me?
My mind, body, and heart and soul ain't right yet. It tells me I have much more work to do than the last time.
I feel like I have A LOT of work to do. And it's not just about my body. It's about my ability to deal with things and not turn to food when I'm stressed. I have clearly not slayed the sugar demon at all (did I get any sleep last night because of the king cake and wine Sunday night and the M&Ms and wine last night? That's a giant HELLS TO THE NO!). I mean, we're not even two weeks out of the Whole30 (2 weeks tomorrow), and I've undone, it feels like, all my hard work.
I remember the last time I did it--when I had sugar, it sent me in to a tailspin and I had lost a taste and a craving for chocolate. When I had gluten, my stomach swelled uncomfortably and I felt hungover. After eating gluten and chocolate, I don't have those feelings anymore, so I know that something did not fully click with my body this time. And I should have kept going. I knew I should have, and I didn't.
I know it sounds like I'm beating myself up, especially after my super positive post the last time. But I still feel like crap, and I'm still super stressed, and I have lots to do this coming quarter (all of which I'm already behind on--but I did enjoy my break at least). So I don't want this quarter to look like the last two. I need to get things together.
I'm going to map out a plan in my next post, but right now, here's the things that are bothering me:
- It's true, I hate to say, but I still have some body issues regarding the baby weight. It's getting better. While I'm still struggling with this, and while I still want the baby weight to go away, I'm trying to frame my "body goals" for this next challenge with performance and improvement in my workouts. I have, over break, been able to find a renewed sense of enjoyment and healthy competition in my CF workouts, and why would I want to go to my workout feeling like crap because I binged on junk the night before? If I'm going to spend all of this time taking care of my body on the outside, why am I not doing the same thing for it on the inside? It feels to me, right now, like I'm deliberately setting myself up for failure, on both fronts.
- I am very worried and very stressed about tenure and our finances. These are both recipes for emotional eating disaster. And I need to not eat and drink my stress away. If I'm hungover and feeling crappy then I probably won't work out which will make me feel even worse which also means that if I'm feeling like shit, I'm not going to be inclined to get work done, and I will overall make some bad choices. It sucks how much this revolves around food, but the truth is that it does. I clearly still have some issues.
- I hate being stressed out around the baby. I don't imagine that she'll never see me upset, but she doesn't need to see a person mindless eating M&Ms every night throwing back half a bottle of wine. I want to understand treats as "treats," not as escapisms.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
On Signing up for the CrossFit Open and Post Whole30 Plans.
Apparently when I posted all my stuff about the CrossFit body and what I was and was not willing to do at the box, Boudreaux decided that he was going to sign up for the CF Game Open, and my competitive spirit got the best of me and there was no way I was going to let him compete and I was just going to sit and watch and be jealous, so I totally signed up. Obviously of course, I'm still not willing to spend 12 hours a week or more at the box to look like a competitor, but here's what I've realized since signing up:
- I actually needed this. Until I signed up and did the first open workout, I didn't actually realize how so depressed I've been. I thought mild/moderate, but I think it's been more moderate to severe. I have found that my attitude, just in general, has completely changed since Saturday. Now, I know part of this is sleep, Boudreaux being home, and being on quarter break, and just in general being done with my second crappy quarter in a row, and looking forward to the coming quarter and my research project.
- A lack of competitive drive I think does depress me. I think I need to feel like I'm actively working toward something. Or I need to feel like I'm challenging myself. I think I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, feeling like the way the programming at the box was against me (ridiculous, I know. Depression/anxiety much?), like there was no way I was going to be able to work up to the RX or Competitor level. But now, since I am competing in the Open, the Competitors work outs at the box are being programmed around those competing in the Open, so now I get to do the competitor work outs (still scaled down), but I feel like my old self again. I think I was just lacking in confidence.
- It also means that I'm more likely to stick to my plan of Whole6 during the week and keeping the treats for the weekend after the Open workouts. Or even if not Whole6, it will mean that I'm more likely to stick to a 90/10 plan here. (This is how I know I should have done a Whole60 and just kept going--I still need lots of work).
- Do I need to feel tough? clearly. Do feel tough now and confident? Yes. And if that's what I need to help get me through this next quarter and get the article written, then yes, this is all good.
- Swee'Pea30--a couple of months ago I started writing in a journal for the baby about her day and her life up the point when I started writing, and I had been doing well with it. It's something I want to do for both her and I. But this last month because of school and exhaustion, I let a whole month go by without writing to her. Starting tomorrow, I will faithfully write something to her everyday for 30 days and hope that I can re-establish that habit. It's something that I want to do and have missed doing because I'll just go to bed and forget. I hate that.
- Article30--I have six weeks to get a draft of my article written to bring to my scholars writing group. My goal then really for the next 45 days (starting tomorrow) is to do 30-60 minutes worth of work toward this, whether it's reading or writing. The goal is 60 minutes, but that might not be feasible every day, so if I get 30 in, then I'll consider that a success. And I plan to keep doing updates on my progress here, too.
Whole30 Finished!
Actually, Mom and I finished it last week. I have to say, it was tough finishing it during finals week, but I'm glad that I was on it during finals week because I would have had wine every single night. But I didn't. Even after it was over. I did not see much weight loss, much to my chagrin, even though I know I said that's not what this one was about. I think I lost some inches; I have to find my pre Whole30 sheet so I can accurately report. I only lost about 4 or 5 pounds.
Honestly though, I felt better in the beginning than I did at the end. However, this is due to stress more than anything else. I know that's why I didn't lose as much weight as I was hoping for; and I know that's why even though I ate clean, I was still slumping in the afternoons and exhausted and not sleeping my best. And that's ok. I still haven't slayed the sugar demon, and I'm still highly caffeine addicted, but I did take this on the last month of the quarter during a kind of crappy quarter, so overall, though not getting the amazing results I was hoping for and knowing that I really need to do this for 60 days, I am, for the most part, pleased with the Whole30 this time around. I feel better overall; my clothes are fitting better. In all honesty, I can't really complain.
Honestly though, I felt better in the beginning than I did at the end. However, this is due to stress more than anything else. I know that's why I didn't lose as much weight as I was hoping for; and I know that's why even though I ate clean, I was still slumping in the afternoons and exhausted and not sleeping my best. And that's ok. I still haven't slayed the sugar demon, and I'm still highly caffeine addicted, but I did take this on the last month of the quarter during a kind of crappy quarter, so overall, though not getting the amazing results I was hoping for and knowing that I really need to do this for 60 days, I am, for the most part, pleased with the Whole30 this time around. I feel better overall; my clothes are fitting better. In all honesty, I can't really complain.
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