Take 4,823; Whole30 Days 1-3

As per usual, when I declare an intention, it falls flat and the opposite happens.

I feel like I did something wrong during the last Whole30. I did. I didn't give up my Spark, which technically sugar-free has sucralose which is a sweetener. I honestly did not think it would impact my Whole30 because I'm usually pretty good about keeping the eating of the sugars in check.

Clearly, this is not the case.

Plus, I've been under lots of stress the last couple of weeks, and that has meant stress eating. Albeit conscious, mindful stress eating, but stress eating nonetheless.

This time, I give up the Spark. I am on Day 3 of a new Whole30. This one will be a bigger challenge because we have a banquet in a couple of weeks. I think by then I should be able to handle it.

So why bother doing another one so soon after the last one and so soon after all of my other declarations have fallen short?

• Because I didn't do a good job on the last one and because all of my other declarations have fallen short.
• Because I am still really frustrated with my body, and it is starting to hurt my self-esteem in major ways, and it's starting to affect my ability to focus on my work, and it makes me cry.
• Because I did, let's face it, really shitty in the Open (I know; it's not over yet, but really was over for me at 14.2), and I feel bad about myself, and now we're back to body image mingled with performance and lack of self-esteem.

Yesterday and today are rough days. I feel like shit. Really and truly. I've slept great the last two nights, but I'm utterly and totally exhausted and broken down, both physically and mentally, and unlike the last time, probably because I was drinking the Spark and still had the sugar habit fed, I have been really grumpy the last three days. I'm snippy and stressed and tired and I just want to cry at the box when I'm there.

I'm hoping this passes by the end of the week. 

And truth be told, I'm hoping I lose at least a dress size this time on the Whole30. I know, I know, it's not about weight loss, but really, I've got to try to get my body back to optimal performance, and it's not optimal at this weight or size.