On Failing, Disappointment, and Learning from the Whole30 & CrossFit Open

Ugh. So my big Paleo100 plan? Already an utter and complete total failure. Perhaps it was doomed to fail. A big giant plan like that? I'm disappointed in myself. I should not consider myself a failure though for eating clean 80% of the time. I'd like it cleaner, but this is what I'm working with. I'm working on not feeling food guilt, and when I do have treats to have them deliberately and enjoy them and not mindlessly eat them.

I have also failed in doing research every day (or even three times a week), and I've not even written in the little Swee'Pea's journal. And she said "dada" for the first time last Wednesday. And she did something else last week that I've forgotten already. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I have also not met any of my CrossFit Open goals. I was hoping that during 14.2 that I'd be able to get a kipping pull-up while trying to get the chest to bar. Not even close. I thought I'd make a much better showing in 14.3 having been really very good at deadlifts before I got pregnant. I did it twice. I did not come anywhere close to my goal either time. Instead, I just sort of cried because I'm not anywhere near where I was before I got pregnant, and I failed both times in trying to achieve a goal.

I feel like a lot of my life this past year and a half has been about what I have hoped to accomplished and have fallen short of. And I'm trying really hard to be okay with these things.

I'm trying very hard to reframe my thinking of things and consider what it means to fail. Does it simply mean I need to try harder, or reevaluate my goals, or both?

What I've learned about my failing to meet my research and Swee'Pea journal goals is that the things that I need to make a priority need to be the priority in my day. This is what I've come to learn. I'm much more likely to consistently CF (or exercise for that matter) in the morning than I am in the afternoon. I make it a priority, and I do it first. So what I need to do then is when I get up in the morning to read, what I need to read is the stuff for research. Since class prep *has* to get done, then that can get done later, but I need to get the research out of the way so I know that that's accomplished. And I need to take the time earlier in the day to write to the Swee'Pea or do that before reading at night. I need to reorganize based on priority and when I know I can accomplish certain things because it's way too easy to just go to bed at night or relax in the afternoon  and put it off until tomorrow. Because here it is 10 tomorrows later, and I've still not even started.

So let's see how this plan works: research in the morning before CF. Class prep during office hours and at night. Swee'Pea's journal before bed. Clean eating.

I had been spending the weekends reading. I hate that. I'm ahead right now and want to stay that way so that I can read during the week and not have to read on the weekends so I can spend time with my family. I don't want Swee'Pea to see me as the parent who has to work every weekend. 

Fortunately research and class prep intersect this week, so I'm off to research/prep right now.

We'll see how this week goes. To be sure, I will report back.

On Signing up for the CrossFit Open and Post Whole30 Plans.

Apparently when I posted all my stuff about the CrossFit body and what I was and was not willing to do at the box, Boudreaux decided that he was going to sign up for the CF Game Open, and my competitive spirit got the best of me and there was no way I was going to let him compete and I was just going to sit and watch and be jealous, so I totally signed up. Obviously of course, I'm still not willing to spend 12 hours a week or more at the box to look like a competitor, but here's what I've realized since signing up:

• I actually needed this. Until I signed up and did the first open workout, I didn't actually realize how so depressed I've been. I thought mild/moderate, but I think it's been more moderate to severe. I have found that my attitude, just in general, has completely changed since Saturday. Now, I know part of this is sleep, Boudreaux being home, and being on quarter break, and just in general being done with my second crappy quarter in a row, and looking forward to the coming quarter and my research project. 
• A lack of competitive drive I think does depress me. I think I need to feel like I'm actively working toward something. Or I need to feel like I'm challenging myself. I think I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, feeling like the way the programming at the box was against me (ridiculous, I know. Depression/anxiety much?), like there was no way I was going to be able to work up to the RX or Competitor level. But now, since I am competing in the Open, the Competitors work outs at the box are being programmed around those competing in the Open, so now I get to do the competitor work outs (still scaled down), but I feel like my old self again. I think I was just lacking in confidence.
• It also means that I'm more likely to stick to my plan of Whole6 during the week and keeping the treats for the weekend after the Open workouts. Or even if not Whole6, it will mean that I'm more likely to stick to a 90/10 plan here. (This is how I know I should have done a Whole60 and just kept going--I still need lots of work).
• Do I need to feel tough? clearly. Do feel tough now and confident? Yes. And if that's what I need to help get me through this next quarter and get the article written, then yes, this is all good. 

So what are my post Whole30 plans? Inspired by the Caffeine30 and the Sister30, I'm going to do the Swee'Pea Journal30 and the Article30.

• Swee'Pea30--a couple of months ago I started writing in a journal for the baby about her day and her life up the point when I started writing, and I had been doing well with it. It's something I want to do for both her and I. But this last month because of school and exhaustion, I let a whole month go by without writing to her. Starting tomorrow, I will faithfully write something to her everyday for 30 days and hope that I can re-establish that habit. It's something that I want to do and have missed doing because I'll just go to bed and forget. I hate that.
• Article30--I have six weeks to get a draft of my article written to bring to my scholars writing group. My goal then really for the next 45 days (starting tomorrow) is to do 30-60 minutes worth of work toward this, whether it's reading or writing. The goal is 60 minutes, but that might not be feasible every day, so if I get 30 in, then I'll consider that a success. And I plan to keep doing updates on my progress here, too.

Whole30 Finished!

Actually, Mom and I finished it last week. I have to say, it was tough finishing it during finals week, but I'm glad that I was on it during finals week because I would have had wine every single night. But I didn't. Even after it was over. I did not see much weight loss, much to my chagrin, even though I know I said that's not what this one was about. I think I lost some inches; I have to find my pre Whole30 sheet so I can accurately report. I only lost about 4 or 5 pounds.

Honestly though, I felt better in the beginning than I did at the end. However, this is due to stress more than anything else. I know that's why I didn't lose as much weight as I was hoping for; and I know that's why even though I ate clean, I was still slumping in the afternoons and exhausted and not sleeping my best. And that's ok. I still haven't slayed the sugar demon, and I'm still highly caffeine addicted, but I did take this on the last month of the quarter during a kind of crappy quarter, so overall, though not getting the amazing results I was hoping for and knowing that I really need to do this for 60 days, I am, for the most part, pleased with the Whole30 this time around. I feel better overall; my clothes are fitting better. In all honesty, I can't really complain.

Whole30 Day 9

I feel like I've been sleeping better. I'm tore up from CrossFit and had to take today off. I've got a very large bruise on my leg from rope climbing and the foam roller. And it just hurts.  Today was a rowing day, and I think that movement would have moved me from pain to injury.

I haven't hit the "kill all the things" stage yet, but I think my biggest problem right now is not getting enough water. I need to bring a water pitcher to work (with a filter) because the water here, to me, smells and tastes chlorinated, and I don't like the way it tastes, and I teach for over two hours straight, so I do get parched. I need to be doing more mobility, too.

Other than that, things are rolling right along here. I found yesterday that I was thinking of chocolate but not how good it would taste. Rather I was sort of put off by the thought of it. The idea of eating something sweet right now (other than fruit), hurts my head and stomach to think about it. I would like some wine though, but given that I'm not hydrated enough, I'm glad that I can't have any.

I haven't given a food update lately either. All of our dinners have come from Melissa Joulwan's Well Fed 2. And everything has been simply amazing. My mom does most of the cooking right now, but she's commented on how easy it it. However, we are behind on prep and groceries this week because we thought the fridge conked out on us. However, before the parents go out of town, next week's meals will be bought and prepped. That is a must because that is the thing which might derail all of this since I won't have four extra hands around the house, so organization tomorrow and Friday is the key here. And Swee'Pea's food has to get made up as well.

Breakfast we still haven't tired of: sweet potato, two poached eggs. Sometimes fruit. Coffee black. It is the perfect breakfast. I should add some fat like an avocado or something (which appears with the lunches on occasion), but it works for me and mom. Lunches have been either leftovers, chicken salad or tuna salad, salad greens, oil, balsamic vinegar, and fruit.

That's it for now. No new struggles or developments to report, so yay! Aside from the headache due to dehydration (and muscle soreness), all is really really good. I will say this, I do feel much more even keel right now, too. And my clothes seem to be fitting a bit better. All giant pluses!

Whole30 Day 1

I survived Day 1. Barely though. I forgot that I had started and almost bought some Reese's buttercups at the store. And last night all I could think was, "oooh, some M&Ms would be the perfect follow up to this dinner!"And I had had a really long day and just wanted some wine. It was my first day back at CF after three weeks, and the baby was fussy, and I was exhausted and still had all of this work to do, and I was just like, "well, maybe I'll restart tomorrow. I want some wine. I *need* some wine." But I did not give in, which felt notable in and of itself, so I had some kombucha instead.

Already some things I've noticed:

• Last night, for the first time in weeks, perhaps even months, I was not wired when I went to bed. Actually, I fell asleep twice while I was reading and trying to prep for class--not good for work, but clearly the cortisol levels were where they should have been in the evening. I think part of that had to do with working out for the first time in weeks as well, but in all honesty, it felt sooooooo good to be tired at 8:30 and not totally wired and pumped up. 
• I also slept really really well. Granted, my parents had the baby monitor (we're alternating nights so that if she does get up, I don't have more than one sleepless/interrupted night at a time as I have been sick and so I don't relapse), but I woke up only because I was hot, shortly after I fell asleep, but had no trouble falling back asleep. I woke up a bit earlier than I wanted to, and before my alarm went off, and while that extra time would have been nice, I wasn't like "oh, I want 10 more hours of sleep!" I felt fairly rested this morning.

Tonight though might be a different story because I get the baby monitor tonight. The meal plan for the week is made. My timing for breakfast was off this morning, but I did have some eggs, and I did manage to get lunch in before class, so I should be good.

Yesterday's meals, fyi, if you're curious:
Breakfast: Poached eggs, sweet potato
Lunch: Chicken salad, salad greens with oil and balsamic vinegar, grapes
Dinner: Buffalo chicken salad (Well Fed 2--AMAZING!)

Today, thus far and on deck:
Breakfast: Poached eggs, grapes
Lunch: see yesterday (I tend to eat the same things for long stretches for breakfast and lunch. I don't really get bored; if I do, I mix it up with leftovers. Right now, convenience and ease and planning are key)
Dinner: Thai Basil Beef, cauliflower rice (Well Fed 2--I'm sure it will be amazing)

Poached eggs are my new favorite thing, and having them on top of sweet potatoes is the perfect breakfast right now. I need to add an orange or something in there, but it works for me.

And coffee, as always, is black.

I'm pretty tired right now at lunch, but this morning's workout was a beast, especially after a three week absence. My CF goals are M-Th, Saturdays. I'd like to return to a five day a week routine. All in all though, I feel a bit clearer, and no hangover yet.

Gotta jet to class now. Here's to a successful day 2!

Whole30 Pre-Game

I discovered the culprit behind the stomach troubles. This. Sadly. But, even though I'm a distributor, it does go to show that one should rely on real, whole food, not supplements and the like, though there are vitamins in there, too. I'm a big fan of most of this stuff, but the challenge thing did not work for me. So for a week I've thought I've had the stomach flu which has kept me from my workouts. Double whamy.

I'm sort of pre-gaming here with the Whole30. I'm excited about giving it another go. I'm excited about getting myself closer to optimal capacity here, but I still want to be able to have my king cake and eat it too until then. My meals from now until Monday will basically be Whole30 meals, but with dinner wine and king cake. And I'll enjoy my lattes until then, too.

I am hopeful.

Additionally, I'm hopeful that getting everything else in place will help with my professional and financial goals, actually. If I can think and focus and not have to reread stuff and get the grading done when it comes in and can focus on it, then that frees up time to get my writing done. And I've got two new preps including a grad class next quarter, so I need to be able to focus. Financially, when I'm feeling good, I'm less likely to mindlessly buy things and spend money in an attempt to be happy or look pretty or something. Plus, we need a minivan and we need to own our own house here, and we need one with more room than what we have now. Especially if there are more children in our future.

I'm also excited about reviving this blog, too. I have found that aside from the time I get to spend with my daughter, I'm truly at my happiest when I'm writing something, anything. And I need to make that happen consistently and be the focus of my life.

Whole30-ing like my life depends on it!

My poor little Paleo blog here. Let me dust off the cobwebs and give her another run.

The Whole Life Challenge was a success even though I didn't get to officially *finish* it by doing the final workout because of a brown recluse spider bite that resulted in surgery and a giant hole in my leg for nearly two weeks, but which sidelined me for nearly three. And twice already since the start of the year have I attempted to go back to CrossFit, but have been sidelined both times by the baby's sickness (including an ER trip and a hospital stay), and then for me a head cold, turned mild flu (three solid days in bed) turned stomach virus something or other. We're now working on week 3 again of being out CrossFit.

It's disheartening. Frustrating. And depressing.

Since the baby has been sick and I've been sick, even trying to do the Advocare 24 Day Challenge, I've been straight up stress eating (not doing the stomach virus any favors here either). At least I recognize that I'm stress eating. It's not stopping me from doing it, and I know that it is feeding into my depression here, too. And I feel like crap. I'm not going to complain about it, but I know exactly why I feel terrible, but I'm stuck in this place I can't get out of.

I'm giving myself the rest of the week to mope and try to get to CrossFit and try to get some sleep and catch up on work, and then Monday I'm starting a Whole30. And I'm doing it as if my life depended on it. Honestly, right now, I feel it sort of does. I feel like the Whole Life Challenge would have been much more beneficial and kept me closer to the straight and narrow during the holidays had I not had to be on the elimination diet for a month, been sick, had surgery, and had a baby that was sick and not sleeping. Not that I'm trying to make excuses here. But I know that my health right now, my whole health, hinges on what I'm fueling my body with. I know, from trial and error, that 95% clean paleo is optimal for my body. I know others can get away with an 80/20 or 85/15 plan--my husband and father are like that. For me, it needs to be a bit cleaner more consistently.

I'll be chronicling the Whole30 journey; I'm shooting for a day by day recap (probably the morning after).

My body/system is a mess. I'm a long way from where I began back in June of 2012.  Here's what I'm struggling with now that I'm hoping (and which I'm confident) the Whole30 is going to help with:

• Sickness/stomach issues. I've been sick a lot since I got pregnant Oct. 2012. I know part of that was pregnancy related. And I know that another part of it is lack of sleep because I have an infant who did not start sleeping through the night until about a week ago (she's 7 months old). However, given all of these factors, a better diet would mitigate the intensity and duration of illness, or at least that's what I'm hoping for. And if I can remain healthy, then I won't be passing that along to the baby or won't be as susceptible to her passing colds along to me. And I'm tired of taking tums every night, multiple times a night.
• Sleep. Part of my getting sick was that I didn't sleep. And even though the baby has been sleeping better and more consistently now, my sleep isn't good because I've been sick and have had stomach aches. I've also had trouble getting to sleep, so I've been staying up later but not feeling rested even after 8 hours of sleep. This affects my health and ability to make it to my workouts in the morning.
• Not being able to work out, mainly because of the above two issues and I just feel like crap.
• Depression. And major PMS. When I first started Paleo, one thing I noticed almost immediately was how much less depressed I was and that my PMS disappeared. Gluten literally makes me sad. And honestly, lately, I'm almost at the point to where I'm about to start having trouble functioning. I find myself also really resentful and jealous of everyone else, and I really hate that feeling.
• Concentration/ability to get my work done quickly. Grading just sits on my desk and stockpiles. I'm NEVER like that with grading. I collect it, grade it, hand it back usually within 48 hours. This academic year? Not so much. Reading and prep takes me forever. And I find it hard to even remember really what I have been reading. Not so great for having to teach novels and such.
• Aches. I just ache. My body aches. I feel middle aged. I don't like that. At all.
• Skin/hair/nails. Skin is not bad yet. My nails are in terrible shape. My hair is losing its luster again. I don't like that at all.
• Stressed. I feel stressed, like I can't keep up with anything, like I'm constantly working and unable to spend as much time with my baby as I'd like. I don't feel like I have time for anything. I want to write. I can't seem to make time for that. Every thing is a push and a rush and a trial. I don't even have time to cook properly because I think of all the other things that need to get done. I hate that.

There you go. I know that all of those are intimately related.  I'm hoping that when one falls into place that hopefully the rest of the things will begin to slowly fall into place as well.

I'm excited about the next month. Having done this before (only once successfully though), I know how hard it can be, but I know how wonderful the other side is, too. While it is true that I hope that this will help get the rest of the baby weight (or a significant amount) and inches off, honestly, since I have at least one pair of jeans and one pair of pants that fit and some dresses, it's not my primary concern. My adjusted goal for that is at least by Swee'Pea's first birthday to be back in the pre-pregnancy summer clothes (because I won't be able to afford new clothes this summer!). And if I can remain healthy and reign my issues in, it shouldn't be a problem.

So here's to good meals with some wine and king cake for the rest of the week, cabinet and fridge cleaning, meal prep and condiment making this weekend, and an enthusiastic Whole30 start on Monday. I can't wait!