First week of the Whole30 is in the books.
(Ah, did you notice my not so subtle shift to Whole30 from Whole45? more on that in a minute).
What a week! First, I'm dying to get on the scale and see if anything has changed weight wise. For real. I know, part of this is relinquishing the numbers on the scale, and I have noticed visually that some of the bloat seems to have dissipated, but I want to know. Also, most of this week has seriously been about me wanting to throw in the towel. I'm not going to lie. Maybe it was PMS (that I didn't know was PMS until yesterday), but Friday and Saturday night, all I did was whine and whine and whine as I watched the kid eat her paleo pizza and thought about how much I wanted wine and pizza and how no one would know if I just gave up and restarted on Monday, right? But I didn't and yesterday morning I woke up feeling so fantastic that between 7am and 11am, I had two dinners going in the crock pot, had the veggies for the week prepped, had put stew and spaghetti sauce in the freezer, made breakfast, made homemade mayo, made lunch for the week, and washed and sliced up berries for breakfast and lunch, and got the first round of dishes washed and put away. And I was in a great mood! So that right there was worth not having the wine and pizza in order to get all of that done before we left to go see my Grandma and my Dad for the day.
But one of the things I wanted to talk about today is what I learned from this last week, what surprised me about last week, and what I need to work on.
I'll start with What surprised me:
I honestly don't remember it being this hard. Maybe it's because I've either done it during the summer when I had plenty of rest, less responsibility, more time to cook and prep, more flexibility in when I work out, just more time to relax and be flexible. Or I've done it with my mom when she was here, so the food prep wasn't my responsibility (mom often did it while I was at work during the day or I would do it on the weekends and we had plenty of people to occupy the kid and she would help or I could do food prep and then go nap or something). Often I had help. And someone in the house doing it with me. This time though, even though I'd consider myself a veteran of the Whole30, is much more challenging, and I'm having a hard time getting enough food in me to feel full, which seems utterly ridiculous.
Also, I don't think I've ever had such a rocky start either in terms of both energy and mood swings. Perhaps it's because most of the Whole30s I've done haven't really come after such a sustained and horrific diet. My first Whole30 was after we had been eating primarily paleo for a few months, so it wasn't a huge shock to the system. I periodically did Whole7s throughout my pregnancy to help with energy and aches and pains (it knocked out my sciatic pain in a week and it never came back!). And paleo challenges always seem to come up within just a few months of less than strict eating, so there was never a time like this time when it was like a freaking free for all of indulgence and poor choices. Also, I never had the complicating factor of so much medicine in my system either. I suspect that the fact that it is so hard this time is indicative of how much my body needs this and how much I am mentally resistant to it.
What has also surprised me in a positive way is that my GERD seems to be improving already. My allergies seem to be improving already. My eczema seems to be improving already. My mental clarity is getting better. I do feel a little more focused in my work, so that's good. I also seem to be able, most days already, to accomplish more in terms of housework stuff that needs to be taken care of. And I have been able to work out more (although this morning didn't happen because kid was up at 4:30 and I thought it was going to be one of those mornings where she's crying for me every half hour until it's time to get up, but she went back to sleep, but I did get some work done). Last week was the first week in 8 months that I got four workouts in in one week! That felt good.
What have I learned:
I really need to be more patient with this. I think I was expecting an immediate fix since it's largely been my experience that Whole30s aren't that bad, and I'm anxious to get back to something both performance and health based like flexible eating, but I know that that will be a longer road without a reset first. I have also learned that at this point, a Whole45 or Whole60 or 90 may not be sustainable for me (or the family for that matter), and that a Whole30 may be enough to get to a flexible, sustainable, change. However, what is key here for me, or has been this past week, is getting back into the habit of the 5am CF class and the habit of prepping and cooking and being prepared for the week. It forced me last week NOT to eat pizza or opt for take out when that would have been easier. For the first time in a long time, the fridge was empty at the end of the week. All the food was eaten. Nothing got thrown away. I do need to plan better so that there is still food to eat (we ran out of eggs! Eggs, I tell you!) on the weekends. But we improvised and it was all good.
What I need to work on:
Making sure the meals are planned for the week in such a way that we don't run out of eggs! Ha! And stuff to eat on the weekends. I thought we were going to have enough food , but I guess I was so hungry that I ate more than I was planning to. Better balanced lunches. Snacks. Etc.
The week ahead:
What I need to make sure of this week is getting to the store again before Saturday because the hubs will be gone for drill, and while I don't mind little shopping trips with the kid, large ones can be a bit much. She'll let me prep and stuff, but I'd prefer to have everything on hand before the weekend so that if things get rough, we're prepared for it. Drill weekends can be tough. But at least this isn't an out of town weekend. That's a little easier.
Anyway, there it is for me. Have a great week everyone!
Monday, February 6, 2017
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Day 2-4
Day 2 was still kind of crappy. I noticed that my energy was perhaps a bit more even during the early part of the day, but by afternoon, despite enough calories at lunch (although I need a better balance), I was not a nice person. I was foggy and grumpy. And starving, and I just wanted something sweet. Or peanut butter. And a kill cliff. I was jonesing for a kill cliff.
But day 3 I woke up a little less bloated. Yesterday I had a ton of energy and felt really good until about 6. I could have gone to bed at six. I got half the kitchen cleaned; I did some laundry. About 2:30 though, I was looking for some kill cliff and chocolate cake. Man, did I want chocolate cake so badly. I wasn't quite as hungry last night, but I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My legs hurt. I was restless. My thoughts were sort of racing. And then I was stressed about not being able to fall asleep. Apparently I kept the hubs up quite a bit.
Today, I'm tired. Mostly I'm sure from the lack of sleep, or lack of quality sleep. I apparently still got over 7 hours. I was sore at CF this morning. I felt a little more focused in class today and a little more organized. I felt less bloated this morning, too. But I'm tired. And I'm starving right now, and I don't have any snacks! I may have to go find some nuts or something. And there's nothing available on campus that I can have. Oh well. I can make it.
Here are some other positives thus far, which is nice to see these changes already:
But day 3 I woke up a little less bloated. Yesterday I had a ton of energy and felt really good until about 6. I could have gone to bed at six. I got half the kitchen cleaned; I did some laundry. About 2:30 though, I was looking for some kill cliff and chocolate cake. Man, did I want chocolate cake so badly. I wasn't quite as hungry last night, but I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My legs hurt. I was restless. My thoughts were sort of racing. And then I was stressed about not being able to fall asleep. Apparently I kept the hubs up quite a bit.
Today, I'm tired. Mostly I'm sure from the lack of sleep, or lack of quality sleep. I apparently still got over 7 hours. I was sore at CF this morning. I felt a little more focused in class today and a little more organized. I felt less bloated this morning, too. But I'm tired. And I'm starving right now, and I don't have any snacks! I may have to go find some nuts or something. And there's nothing available on campus that I can have. Oh well. I can make it.
Here are some other positives thus far, which is nice to see these changes already:
- GERD seems to be improving.
- Asthma seems to be improving.
- Eczema seems to be improving.
- Though the energy hasn't been entirely consistent, I've had more energy this week than I have had in a very long time.
- With the exception of this morning, I have felt more rested.
- Even despite not feeling rested this morning, I still was able to make it to CF at 5 am.
- While I could not do the weights I wanted to or the strict pull ups like I wanted to, I still got through the workout easier than I expected to.
- And I really do feel less foggy during teaching the last few days.
- Less bloat.
I still have a ways to go with the afternoon hunger and cravings and grumpiness, but I feel like it will eventually get better. Also, the desire to weigh myself and check my measurements is great. That is a hard temptation not to give in to.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Day 1
I ate so much for lunch yesterday. It was not properly planned out either because I didn't get my lunches made on Sunday when I got home from my grandmother's. So it was basically two cups of ground meat (that I didn't drain! That's what made me sick!), two single servings of wholly guacamole, some compliant salsa, and some shredded lettuce. I was still hungry because of the lack of carbs, and had some of my sweet potato breakfast and some blueberries. Then I chugged pepto all the rest of the day and night. I was also expecting to just sleep like a baby last night. I fell asleep pretty early, but I woke up at midnight (but I think I went back to sleep pretty quickly), and then the kid got me up at 3:40, and then up again at 4:20 to go work out.
I will say this at least though--despite being woken up twice, I did get back to sleep pretty quickly. That's a significant improvement already, so I'll take it.
I was expecting to be slow this morning, but I wasn't expecting the barbells and kettlebells to feel so damn heavy. I felt like I had become a 90 pound weakling overnight. But I know a dip in strength is to be expected. I'm tired and stiff, but it at least today seems to be a little bit more manageable than what last week felt like.
Not going to lie though--yesterday, by about 4 pm, I did feel like throwing in the towel. I kept saying, "I really just want to start this tomorrow. I can start over tomorrow. I don't feel like finishing up the dinner; what am I going to do without my Reese's buttercups? How can I cook without wine? No, no. I want one more day." And had I not had the group going, were I not doing this with other kick ass women, I would had thrown in the towel probably and tried again today. I'm glad that I didn't though. I'm glad that I made it through day 1. I know that I'm going to feel a lot shittier before I start to feel better. My reflux seems to be a bit better this morning. I'm not expecting for a miracle overnight or by the end of the week even. Actually, I'm fully expecting to feel crappy and sluggish for at least three weeks, maybe even four, and I expect some ebb and flow, too, with how things are going for the next three to four weeks. What I will try to focus on to stay motivated are the little things--going back to sleep better, not feeling like I'm going to faint from the reflux (apparently my reflux doesn't burn--it triggers my asthma and it makes me nauseous and lightheaded which is why I didn't know it was GERD), perhaps feeling tired rather than exhausted, which would be a step up. So I will keep tabs on that.
today though, at least, I have a much better lunch planned and ready to go, and I'm getting my hair done, fixed, something that will hopefully be an improvement, so there's that at least, yeah?
I will say this at least though--despite being woken up twice, I did get back to sleep pretty quickly. That's a significant improvement already, so I'll take it.
I was expecting to be slow this morning, but I wasn't expecting the barbells and kettlebells to feel so damn heavy. I felt like I had become a 90 pound weakling overnight. But I know a dip in strength is to be expected. I'm tired and stiff, but it at least today seems to be a little bit more manageable than what last week felt like.
Not going to lie though--yesterday, by about 4 pm, I did feel like throwing in the towel. I kept saying, "I really just want to start this tomorrow. I can start over tomorrow. I don't feel like finishing up the dinner; what am I going to do without my Reese's buttercups? How can I cook without wine? No, no. I want one more day." And had I not had the group going, were I not doing this with other kick ass women, I would had thrown in the towel probably and tried again today. I'm glad that I didn't though. I'm glad that I made it through day 1. I know that I'm going to feel a lot shittier before I start to feel better. My reflux seems to be a bit better this morning. I'm not expecting for a miracle overnight or by the end of the week even. Actually, I'm fully expecting to feel crappy and sluggish for at least three weeks, maybe even four, and I expect some ebb and flow, too, with how things are going for the next three to four weeks. What I will try to focus on to stay motivated are the little things--going back to sleep better, not feeling like I'm going to faint from the reflux (apparently my reflux doesn't burn--it triggers my asthma and it makes me nauseous and lightheaded which is why I didn't know it was GERD), perhaps feeling tired rather than exhausted, which would be a step up. So I will keep tabs on that.
today though, at least, I have a much better lunch planned and ready to go, and I'm getting my hair done, fixed, something that will hopefully be an improvement, so there's that at least, yeah?
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Beginning...Again
Wow, it has been over two years since I've posted over here! And two years since my last Whole30. So, let me knock off the dust and start again... again.
Let's get down to brass tacks. I feel like shit. I mean, in my core, my soul--my whole body, mind, spirit, everything. It has been a very long time since I let my body get into this bad of shape, and the last time I swore "never again," and when I started body building this summer I swore that I'd never be at that starting point ever again, and well, here I am--way further back than I was in May, and so much further back than I've been since I've moved here.
Why am I doing this? In short, to get my freaking life back.
There are a whole bunch of reasons for why I now feel and look the way I do. First, and probably the reason why my body has gone downhill so quickly since July is because I am clinically depressed (very high functioning--no one knows, not even my family, except obvi the hubs knows), and I have been for a while. I probably was even as a child, but never officially diagnosed until about 20 years ago. I didn't know that depression depresses immune system function leaving depressed people more susceptible to illness, infections, allergies, and asthma, while also promoting inflammation. (It also explains my lack of consistency in anything I do, which right now is having a profound affect on my work). In July when the cycle of antibiotics and steroids started, things started to go downhill and by the time I was diagnosed with TMJ and put on Valium to relax my jaw and help with anxiety, it got exponentially worse, and then by the time the new year started, I had been on steriods and antibiotics off and on for seven months. The steroids made me ravenous in the beginning, and then the taper left me tired (and that was a cycle that I went through every two weeks), so it was carbs and sugar that my body was craving to function. I tried several times during the last seven months to work out and to follow my macros and clean up my eating, but to no avail. I wasn't sleeping well; I was super stressed at work, and I still kept getting sick. Illness led to deeper depression about being sick, and then the initial bloat from the steroids led to actual weight gain (which of course made me even more depressed) that I found myself so uncomfortable that I dug out my maternity pants because tight pants were uncomfortable and aggravated the latest issue of GERD I had developed. I sit here now in my maternity pjs because they sit below my giant bloated belly and offer comfort.
Through all of this, I had really stopped exercising. I was super embarrassed about my weight gain and loss of strength and mobility that I didn't want anyone at the box to see me and see how hard and far I had fallen.
Since I am still having trouble recovering, I decided that a Whole45 (which for me may even extend to a Whole60 or Whole90 if necessary) is probably my only way out of this mess. Though I'm a much bigger fan of IIFYM, the problem now is it allows me room to eat less than healthy things that then lead to all out free for all. Even the hubs, who generally tries to convince me not to be so restrictive and hates any sort of paleo challenge said "I think you need a Whole30." I am in constant pain right now from my muscles to my bones. I have knots all up and down my neck and shoulders and calves despite being more conscious of working on mobility and working on mini yoga sessions throughout the day. My head hurts. And emotionally/mentally, I'm still not feeling any better. My cortisol function is out of whack. And I think I'm suffering from some sort of adrenal fatigue. I am disorganized and foggy at work. I swear, I think my students think I'm showing up to class drunk that's how erratic I feel like I look to them. I have canceled more class for my own illness this quarter than I have in the last two years (the last time I had the flu). It is more difficult to recover from illness each time I get sick. And I'm finding it exceptionally hard to recover from my workouts, even with adequate sleep, which is just straight up frustrating. That's not even to mention that my hair, skin, and nails look like shit right now, too. I'm not concerned anything serious is going on (yet) because what I'm going through fits with chronic steroid detox. I feel like my life right now can be summed up by that scene in Mr. Mom when Michael Keaton mocks his wife: "The house is a mess, Jack, the kids are a mess, Jack, you're a mess, Jack."
I am Jack.
Fortunately Jack got his shit together.
So, I want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to be myself again, not this shell of myself who is going through the motions barely making it through day by day. I don't feel like I'm a very good wife, mom, professor, friend, person right now. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be inactive and hurting anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be unorganized and feel out of control anymore.
I want to heal. Ultimately, that's my goal: to heal. To stick with this as long as it takes for my body to fully heal. If it takes 45 days, great. If it takes longer than that, then I go until I am healed.
So there it is. When I feel like quitting, remind me why I'm doing this. Remind me what's at stake.
Thank you. xoxoxo
Let's get down to brass tacks. I feel like shit. I mean, in my core, my soul--my whole body, mind, spirit, everything. It has been a very long time since I let my body get into this bad of shape, and the last time I swore "never again," and when I started body building this summer I swore that I'd never be at that starting point ever again, and well, here I am--way further back than I was in May, and so much further back than I've been since I've moved here.
Why am I doing this? In short, to get my freaking life back.
There are a whole bunch of reasons for why I now feel and look the way I do. First, and probably the reason why my body has gone downhill so quickly since July is because I am clinically depressed (very high functioning--no one knows, not even my family, except obvi the hubs knows), and I have been for a while. I probably was even as a child, but never officially diagnosed until about 20 years ago. I didn't know that depression depresses immune system function leaving depressed people more susceptible to illness, infections, allergies, and asthma, while also promoting inflammation. (It also explains my lack of consistency in anything I do, which right now is having a profound affect on my work). In July when the cycle of antibiotics and steroids started, things started to go downhill and by the time I was diagnosed with TMJ and put on Valium to relax my jaw and help with anxiety, it got exponentially worse, and then by the time the new year started, I had been on steriods and antibiotics off and on for seven months. The steroids made me ravenous in the beginning, and then the taper left me tired (and that was a cycle that I went through every two weeks), so it was carbs and sugar that my body was craving to function. I tried several times during the last seven months to work out and to follow my macros and clean up my eating, but to no avail. I wasn't sleeping well; I was super stressed at work, and I still kept getting sick. Illness led to deeper depression about being sick, and then the initial bloat from the steroids led to actual weight gain (which of course made me even more depressed) that I found myself so uncomfortable that I dug out my maternity pants because tight pants were uncomfortable and aggravated the latest issue of GERD I had developed. I sit here now in my maternity pjs because they sit below my giant bloated belly and offer comfort.
Through all of this, I had really stopped exercising. I was super embarrassed about my weight gain and loss of strength and mobility that I didn't want anyone at the box to see me and see how hard and far I had fallen.
Since I am still having trouble recovering, I decided that a Whole45 (which for me may even extend to a Whole60 or Whole90 if necessary) is probably my only way out of this mess. Though I'm a much bigger fan of IIFYM, the problem now is it allows me room to eat less than healthy things that then lead to all out free for all. Even the hubs, who generally tries to convince me not to be so restrictive and hates any sort of paleo challenge said "I think you need a Whole30." I am in constant pain right now from my muscles to my bones. I have knots all up and down my neck and shoulders and calves despite being more conscious of working on mobility and working on mini yoga sessions throughout the day. My head hurts. And emotionally/mentally, I'm still not feeling any better. My cortisol function is out of whack. And I think I'm suffering from some sort of adrenal fatigue. I am disorganized and foggy at work. I swear, I think my students think I'm showing up to class drunk that's how erratic I feel like I look to them. I have canceled more class for my own illness this quarter than I have in the last two years (the last time I had the flu). It is more difficult to recover from illness each time I get sick. And I'm finding it exceptionally hard to recover from my workouts, even with adequate sleep, which is just straight up frustrating. That's not even to mention that my hair, skin, and nails look like shit right now, too. I'm not concerned anything serious is going on (yet) because what I'm going through fits with chronic steroid detox. I feel like my life right now can be summed up by that scene in Mr. Mom when Michael Keaton mocks his wife: "The house is a mess, Jack, the kids are a mess, Jack, you're a mess, Jack."
I am Jack.
Fortunately Jack got his shit together.
So, I want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to be myself again, not this shell of myself who is going through the motions barely making it through day by day. I don't feel like I'm a very good wife, mom, professor, friend, person right now. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be inactive and hurting anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be unorganized and feel out of control anymore.
I want to heal. Ultimately, that's my goal: to heal. To stick with this as long as it takes for my body to fully heal. If it takes 45 days, great. If it takes longer than that, then I go until I am healed.
So there it is. When I feel like quitting, remind me why I'm doing this. Remind me what's at stake.
Thank you. xoxoxo
Friday, August 8, 2014
Putting it into perspective
As I've been chronicling the last year that I've actually really been on this blog, one of the things I've been down on myself a lot about is my performance at the box. Everyone seems to be much stronger than I am, and my judgmental and competitive sides get to me quite a bit and I'm all like "how can she be lifting more than me?"
While I was being a mopey, whiney, depressed brat this morning, I got to thinking about what I can do, and I put it into perspective.
Yes, it's true I started CrossFit in July of 2012. But then I got pregnant in October of 2012. So I had 4 months of CF to establish some sort of base before I got pregnant. And while I was pregnant, I was just trying to stay fit. There were no gains except one PR on a split jerk from the bar early on.
So I sort of went back in September of 2013. I was still recovering from a c-section, so mostly I was relearning technique to accommodate the new boobs and the lack of belly. Then I was out again for the spider bit and then not able to really train because of the elimination diet and the severe lack of calories. I was just too weak. Then came Christmas, more sick baby, the flu, emergency rooms, no sleep, etc. So life with a sick kid during the wintertime when others get sick, too.
I will say then that my true return and real start of training began with this year's Open.
The stuff that I did with the Open, the base that I had, had all been the base I had before I got pregnant. I worked backed up to that base within a few months of my off and on return, but was never able to really get past it. But since February, this is what I've done:
While I was being a mopey, whiney, depressed brat this morning, I got to thinking about what I can do, and I put it into perspective.
Yes, it's true I started CrossFit in July of 2012. But then I got pregnant in October of 2012. So I had 4 months of CF to establish some sort of base before I got pregnant. And while I was pregnant, I was just trying to stay fit. There were no gains except one PR on a split jerk from the bar early on.
So I sort of went back in September of 2013. I was still recovering from a c-section, so mostly I was relearning technique to accommodate the new boobs and the lack of belly. Then I was out again for the spider bit and then not able to really train because of the elimination diet and the severe lack of calories. I was just too weak. Then came Christmas, more sick baby, the flu, emergency rooms, no sleep, etc. So life with a sick kid during the wintertime when others get sick, too.
I will say then that my true return and real start of training began with this year's Open.
The stuff that I did with the Open, the base that I had, had all been the base I had before I got pregnant. I worked backed up to that base within a few months of my off and on return, but was never able to really get past it. But since February, this is what I've done:
- Increased my clean and jerk by a whopping 35#
- Increased my overhead squat by 20#
- Got kipping pull-ups
- Went from 1 rep at a time on deadlifts at 155 to 5 TNG DLs at 155, for multiple sets
- PR'd my back squat, twice (not by much, but hey, it's something)
- Increased my front squat by 20 some odd pounds
- PR'd my strict press by 5#
- Three months ago I didn't get through 50 squats of mini-Murph in the 30 minute time cap; yesterday I finished it with a minute to spare.
- My working sets now for cleans are around 80#. Before like March, I had only gotten up 80# once in my life in a powerclean, and it wasn't really a clean, more like a reverse curl.
That's a lot, IMHO, in six months of work. And I think about what I came in with in February and have done, if I put it into perspective, the people who lift that or more have been working on those lifts for 18-24 months (most of them). If I can stay healthy and train consistently between now the first of the year, I may be able to catch up with some of these women.
Putting it into perspective really helps me not be so down on myself.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Epic Fail
Last night was.
My plan not to go whole hog because I recommit to a Whole30 today did not happen.
Perhaps I should not think of it as an "epic fail." My mom had mentioned concretes (custard mixed with stuff) earlier yesterday. And by last night it sounded good. And it was. I enjoyed it. We decided against having wine just to have wine though. And dinner wasn't totally unhealthy--the worst part of it was the teriyaki sauce, which I need to find a soy free recipe (though most are made with honey also, so it won't be Whole30 approved).
I enjoyed that concrete. It was just enough. But I'm done.
I was thinking last night, you know if right now I can't seem to get myself together for myself, then if I need the extra motivation, I need to do it for my daughter. I don't want to be one of those parents who's so wiped out after a day of work that when I pick her up from daycare I'm too tired to really enjoy my time with her. I don't want the weekends to be about recovering from the week and sitting in front of the t.v. Before summer started, oddly, I was headed in the right direction. After a summer of bad choices, I'm paying for it mentally and physically. And I said this all last spring, I need to go beyond just the 30 days. I need to figure out how to make this my lifestyle rather than a series of challenges. I don't want my daughter to see that either! That's about as bad as dieting; it's just semantics.
I know I learn a little bit more every time. And for me, that's what's important right now.
I'll get a good work out in today. I'll go grocery shopping. And we'll go from there.
My plan not to go whole hog because I recommit to a Whole30 today did not happen.
Perhaps I should not think of it as an "epic fail." My mom had mentioned concretes (custard mixed with stuff) earlier yesterday. And by last night it sounded good. And it was. I enjoyed it. We decided against having wine just to have wine though. And dinner wasn't totally unhealthy--the worst part of it was the teriyaki sauce, which I need to find a soy free recipe (though most are made with honey also, so it won't be Whole30 approved).
I enjoyed that concrete. It was just enough. But I'm done.
I was thinking last night, you know if right now I can't seem to get myself together for myself, then if I need the extra motivation, I need to do it for my daughter. I don't want to be one of those parents who's so wiped out after a day of work that when I pick her up from daycare I'm too tired to really enjoy my time with her. I don't want the weekends to be about recovering from the week and sitting in front of the t.v. Before summer started, oddly, I was headed in the right direction. After a summer of bad choices, I'm paying for it mentally and physically. And I said this all last spring, I need to go beyond just the 30 days. I need to figure out how to make this my lifestyle rather than a series of challenges. I don't want my daughter to see that either! That's about as bad as dieting; it's just semantics.
I know I learn a little bit more every time. And for me, that's what's important right now.
I'll get a good work out in today. I'll go grocery shopping. And we'll go from there.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Recommitting
I think I'm in a bit of a rut.
My training and eating had gone really really well in the beginning of the summer, and then the summer job started, and kaput. I missed a lot of training and my food choices weren't the greatest. I'm thankful for this summer job. It's the most money I've ever made as an academic over the summer, and the first summer since, oh, I don't know, undergrad, that I've not been stressed out about summer finances. (which reminds me, I need to pay bills today, oh, and order checks. Order checks, I know, right?).
I have gained about 13 pounds, as of this morning, this summer. Yikes. That's not cool at all. I've come a long way with my body image issues, but lately, not so much. I do not like the way I look. I also do not like the way I feel, and a lot of that is food related.
One thing that I've learned through the multiple Whole30s that I've done is while I don't have any actual food allergies (except lactose intolerance) or real sensitivities per se, I do notice how certain foods affect me not only physically (I mean, yeah, most people really do feel bloated and gross after pizza or cake, as do I), but also emotionally/mentally. What I've noticed about the accumulation of gluten in my system is how depressed I get. I cut out gluten, and I am not depressed. I handle stress better. I don't break down into tears as often. And I find that PMS is almost non-existent. So maybe, in actuality, that is a sensitivity. It affects my work, my training, my overall well-being.
So why do I struggle with this? Why don't I just cut it out?
Because I'm human. Because it takes me a while to get things. Because sometimes I just punish myself.
Today is a day full of change--Boudreaux leaves for Germany for three weeks; Magpie starts daycare today. I had thought about recommitting to the training and Whole30 today, but I will give myself today. But it won't be an "eat whatever I want for tomorrow we Whole30" day--I had chips and salsa with lunch and some refried beans, spanish rice, and a small amount of cheese. But I wanted fajitas for lunch and made the decision to enjoy all of it. I'm at a point where I'm frustrated with myself and my training, so today is a "half day" of Whole30 eating.
As we head into fall and into back to school, I need to get myself squared away on all fronts. I need to get the gluten out of my system so I'm not depressed so I can get work done rather than mope. I need to get rid of the 13 pounds that I managed to gain (that was totally unexpected, for realz), and get back to feeling good about myself. When I feel good, that's when I'm productive. And that's really what I need to be. Productivity reduces my stress level which means I'm more present with the Magpie and less stressed around her.
So that's it for now. We'll see how this goes. I also really want to start adding some yoga, too. I think that would really really help me a lot. I'll try that Monday.
That's it for today. Have a great one!
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