Putting it into perspective

As I've been chronicling the last year that I've actually really been on this blog, one of the things I've been down on myself a lot about is my performance at the box. Everyone seems to be much stronger than I am, and my judgmental and competitive sides get to me quite a bit and I'm all like "how can she be lifting more than me?"

While I was being a mopey, whiney, depressed brat this morning, I got to thinking about what I can do, and I put it into perspective.

Yes, it's true I started CrossFit in July of 2012. But then I got pregnant in October of 2012. So I had 4 months of CF to establish some sort of base before I got pregnant. And while I was pregnant, I was just trying to stay fit. There were no gains except one PR on a split jerk from the bar early on.

So I sort of went back in September of 2013. I was still recovering from a c-section, so mostly I was relearning technique to accommodate the new boobs and the lack of belly. Then I was out again for the spider bit and then not able to really train because of the elimination diet and the severe lack of calories. I was just too weak. Then came Christmas, more sick baby, the flu, emergency rooms, no sleep, etc. So life with a sick kid during the wintertime when others get sick, too.

I will say then that my true return and real start of training began with this year's Open.

The stuff that I did with the Open, the base that I had, had all been the base I had before I got pregnant. I worked backed up to that base within a few months of my off and on return, but was never able to really get past it. But since February, this is what I've done:

• Increased my clean and jerk by a whopping 35#
• Increased my overhead squat by 20#
• Got kipping pull-ups
• Went from 1 rep at a time on deadlifts at 155 to 5 TNG DLs at 155, for multiple sets
• PR'd my back squat, twice (not by much, but hey, it's something)
• Increased my front squat by 20 some odd pounds
• PR'd my strict press by 5#
• Three months ago I didn't get through 50 squats of mini-Murph in the 30 minute time cap; yesterday I finished it with a minute to spare. 
• My working sets now for cleans are around 80#. Before like March, I had only gotten up 80# once in my life in a powerclean, and it wasn't really a clean, more like a reverse curl.

That's a lot, IMHO, in six months of work. And I think about what I came in with in February and have done, if I put it into perspective, the people who lift that or more have been working on those lifts for 18-24 months (most of them). If I can stay healthy and train consistently between now the first of the year, I may be able to catch up with some of these women. 

Putting it into perspective really helps me not be so down on myself. 

Epic Fail

Last night was.

My plan not to go whole hog because I recommit to a Whole30 today did not happen.

Perhaps I should not think of it as an "epic fail." My mom had mentioned concretes (custard mixed with stuff) earlier yesterday. And by last night it sounded good. And it was. I enjoyed it. We decided against having wine just to have wine though. And dinner wasn't totally unhealthy--the worst part of it was the teriyaki sauce, which I need to find a soy free recipe (though most are made with honey also, so it won't be Whole30 approved).

I enjoyed that concrete. It was just enough. But I'm done.

I was thinking last night, you know if right now I can't seem to get myself together for myself, then if I need the extra motivation, I need to do it for my daughter. I don't want to be one of those parents who's so wiped out after a day of work that when I pick her up from daycare I'm too tired to really enjoy my time with her. I don't want the weekends to be about recovering from the week and sitting in front of the t.v. Before summer started, oddly, I was headed in the right direction. After a summer of bad choices, I'm paying for it mentally and physically. And I said this all last spring, I need to go beyond just the 30 days. I need to figure out how to make this my lifestyle rather than a series of challenges. I don't want my daughter to see that either! That's about as bad as dieting; it's just semantics.

I know I learn a little bit more every time. And for me, that's what's important right now.

I'll get a good work out in today. I'll go grocery shopping. And we'll go from there.

Recommitting

I think I'm in a bit of a rut.

My training and eating had gone really really well in the beginning of the summer, and then the summer job started, and kaput. I missed a lot of training and my food choices weren't the greatest. I'm thankful for this summer job. It's the most money I've ever made as an academic over the summer, and the first summer since, oh, I don't know, undergrad, that I've not been stressed out about summer finances. (which reminds me, I need to pay bills today, oh, and order checks. Order checks, I know, right?).

I have gained about 13 pounds, as of this morning, this summer. Yikes. That's not cool at all. I've come a long way with my body image issues, but lately, not so much. I do not like the way I look. I also do not like the way I feel, and a lot of that is food related.

One thing that I've learned through the multiple Whole30s that I've done is while I don't have any actual food allergies (except lactose intolerance) or real sensitivities per se, I do notice how certain foods affect me not only physically (I mean, yeah, most people really do feel bloated and gross after pizza or cake, as do I), but also emotionally/mentally. What I've noticed about the accumulation of gluten in my system is how depressed I get. I cut out gluten, and I am not depressed. I handle stress better. I don't break down into tears as often. And I find that PMS is almost non-existent. So maybe, in actuality, that is a sensitivity. It affects my work, my training, my overall well-being.

So why do I struggle with this? Why don't I just cut it out?

Because I'm human. Because it takes me a while to get things. Because sometimes I just punish myself. 

Today is a day full of change--Boudreaux leaves for Germany for three weeks; Magpie starts daycare today. I had thought about recommitting to the training and Whole30 today, but I will give myself today. But it won't be an "eat whatever I want for tomorrow we Whole30" day--I had chips and salsa with lunch and some refried beans, spanish rice, and a small amount of cheese. But I wanted fajitas for lunch and made the decision to enjoy all of it. I'm at a point where I'm frustrated with myself and my training, so today is a "half day" of Whole30 eating. 

As we head into fall and into back to school, I need to get myself squared away on all fronts. I need to get the gluten out of my system so I'm not depressed so I can get work done rather than mope. I need to get rid of the 13 pounds that I managed to gain (that was totally unexpected, for realz), and get back to feeling good about myself. When I feel good, that's when I'm productive. And that's really what I need to be. Productivity reduces my stress level which means I'm more present with the Magpie and less stressed around her. 

So that's it for now. We'll see how this goes. I also really want to start adding some yoga, too. I think that would really really help me a lot. I'll try that Monday. 

That's it for today. Have a great one!