Day 1

I ate so much for lunch yesterday. It was not properly planned out either because I didn't get my lunches made on Sunday when I got home from my grandmother's. So it was basically two cups of ground meat (that I didn't drain! That's what made me sick!), two single servings of wholly guacamole, some compliant salsa, and some shredded lettuce. I was still hungry because of the lack of carbs, and had some of my sweet potato breakfast and some blueberries. Then I chugged pepto all the rest of the day and night. I was also expecting to just sleep like a baby last night. I fell asleep pretty early, but I woke up at midnight (but I think I went back to sleep pretty quickly), and then the kid got me up at 3:40, and then up again at 4:20 to go work out.

I will say this at least though--despite being woken up twice, I did get back to sleep pretty quickly. That's a significant improvement already, so I'll take it.

I was expecting to be slow this morning, but I wasn't expecting the barbells and kettlebells to feel so damn heavy. I felt like I had become a 90 pound weakling overnight. But I know a dip in strength is to be expected. I'm tired and stiff, but it at least today seems to be a little bit more manageable than what last week felt like.

Not going to lie though--yesterday, by about 4 pm, I did feel like throwing in the towel. I kept saying, "I really just want to start this tomorrow. I can start over tomorrow. I don't feel like finishing up the dinner; what am I going to do without my Reese's buttercups? How can I cook without wine? No, no. I want one more day." And had I not had the group going, were I not doing this with other kick ass women, I would had thrown in the towel probably and tried again today. I'm glad that I didn't though. I'm glad that I made it through day 1. I know that I'm going to feel a lot shittier before I start to feel better. My reflux seems to be a bit better this morning. I'm not expecting for a miracle overnight or by the end of the week even. Actually, I'm fully expecting to feel crappy and sluggish for at least three weeks, maybe even four, and I expect some ebb and flow, too, with how things are going for the next three to four weeks. What I will try to focus on to stay motivated are the little things--going back to sleep better, not feeling like I'm going to faint from the reflux (apparently my reflux doesn't burn--it triggers my asthma and it makes me nauseous and lightheaded which is why I didn't know it was GERD), perhaps feeling tired rather than exhausted, which would be a step up. So I will keep tabs on that.

today though, at least, I have a much better lunch planned and ready to go, and I'm getting my hair done, fixed, something that will hopefully be an improvement, so there's that at least, yeah?

Beginning...Again

Wow, it has been over two years since I've posted over here! And two years since my last Whole30. So, let me knock off the dust and start again... again.

Let's get down to brass tacks. I feel like shit. I mean, in my core, my soul--my whole body, mind, spirit, everything. It has been a very long time since I let my body get into this bad of shape, and the last time I swore "never again," and when I started body building this summer I swore that I'd never be at that starting point ever again, and well, here I am--way further back than I was in May, and so much further back than I've been since I've moved here.

Why am I doing this? In short, to get my freaking life back.

There are a whole bunch of reasons for why I now feel and look the way I do. First, and probably the reason why my body has gone downhill so quickly since July is because I am clinically depressed (very high functioning--no one knows, not even my family, except obvi the hubs knows), and I have been for a while. I probably was even as a child, but never officially diagnosed until about 20 years ago. I didn't know that depression depresses immune system function leaving depressed people more susceptible to illness, infections, allergies, and asthma, while also promoting inflammation. (It also explains my lack of consistency in anything I do, which right now is having a profound affect on my work). In July when the cycle of antibiotics and steroids started, things started to go downhill and by the time I was diagnosed with TMJ and put on Valium to relax my jaw and help with anxiety, it got exponentially worse, and then by the time the new year started, I had been on steriods and antibiotics off and on for seven months. The steroids made me ravenous in the beginning, and then the taper left me tired (and that was a cycle that I went through every two weeks), so it was carbs and sugar that my body was craving to function. I tried several times during the last seven months to work out and to follow my macros and clean up my eating, but to no avail. I wasn't sleeping well; I was super stressed at work, and I still kept getting sick. Illness led to deeper depression about being sick, and then the initial bloat from the steroids led to actual weight gain (which of course made me even more depressed) that I found myself so uncomfortable that I dug out my maternity pants because tight pants were uncomfortable and aggravated the latest issue of GERD I had developed. I sit here now in my maternity pjs because they sit below my giant bloated belly and offer comfort.

Through all of this, I had really stopped exercising. I was super embarrassed about my weight gain and loss of strength and mobility that I didn't want anyone at the box to see me and see how hard and far I had fallen.

Since I am still having trouble recovering, I decided  that a Whole45 (which for me may even extend to a Whole60 or Whole90 if necessary) is probably my only way out of this mess. Though I'm a much bigger fan of IIFYM, the problem now is it allows me room to eat less than healthy things that then lead to all out free for all. Even the hubs, who generally tries to convince me not to be so restrictive and hates any sort of paleo challenge said "I think you need a Whole30." I am in constant pain right now from my muscles to my bones. I have knots all up and down my neck and shoulders and calves despite being more conscious of working on mobility and working on mini yoga sessions throughout the day. My head hurts. And emotionally/mentally, I'm still not feeling any better. My cortisol function is out of whack. And I think I'm suffering from some sort of adrenal fatigue. I am disorganized and foggy at work. I swear, I think my students think I'm showing up to class drunk that's how erratic I feel like I look to them. I have canceled more class for my own illness this quarter than I have in the last two years (the last time I had the flu). It is more difficult to recover from illness each time I get sick. And I'm finding it exceptionally hard to recover from my workouts, even with adequate sleep, which is just straight up frustrating. That's not even to mention that my hair, skin, and nails look like shit right now, too. I'm not concerned anything serious is going on (yet) because what I'm going through fits with chronic steroid detox.  I feel like my life right now can be summed up by that scene in Mr. Mom when Michael Keaton mocks his wife: "The house is a mess, Jack, the kids are a mess, Jack, you're a mess, Jack."

I am Jack.

Fortunately Jack got his shit together.

So, I want my life back. I want to feel good again. I want to be myself again, not this shell of myself who is going through the motions barely making it through day by day. I don't feel like I'm a very good wife, mom, professor, friend, person right now. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be inactive and hurting anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be unorganized and feel out of control anymore.

I want to heal. Ultimately, that's my goal: to heal. To stick with this as long as it takes for my body to fully heal. If it takes 45 days, great. If it takes longer than that, then I go until I am healed.

So there it is. When I feel like quitting, remind me why I'm doing this. Remind me what's at stake.

Thank you. xoxoxo